I have always been inconsistent in my life.

Okay, that’s black and white thinking, so I will say it this way, the most consistent thing about me is that I am inconsistent.

I have been struggling with alcoholism for 5 years and my typical pattern is that I will get 100-200 days of sobriety, and then I’ll relapse.

At work, I am regularly behind and I struggle to meet deadlines, where my colleagues with similar workloads are able to keep me up. I’ve received coaching, and where I have failed egregiously, I have received serious write ups. I want to be a good employee, but I’m not great at multitasking and prioritizing. I’ll be good at one aspect of my job, but suck everywhere else. Then I’ll try to improve on something, and then the things I was previously doing well start to get neglected.

I have a bachelors degree, but I didn’t get my degree until I was in my 30s when I was married. My wife (now ex-wife) took over EVERYTHING and the only thing I focused on for a few years was on finishing my bachelor’s degree. It worked. I did complete it and even with a good GPA. But I literally did nothing but focus on my schoolwork. I did not help around the house, I did not contribute financially. That actually cause a lot of resentment from her towards me, and kind of was the beginning of the end of our relationship.

But then when I went back to having to multitask, I went back to floundering.

I’ve since been divorced, and now that I live alone, I have also struggled with doing well. I used to live in a studio apartment, but now I live in my car. I cannot handle having a roommate because I do not do well with other personalities. I don’t fight, but I’m not good at meeting other’s expectations. I like living in my car because it’s an amount of space that I can manage. I’m actually much happier in my car. In my car, I’m not forced to be in the same spot every night. I like that.

I’m nervous about my job though. Part of what makes living in my car doable is that I am employed. I am regularly nervous about the potential of losing my job.

I find that I am very selfish. Like I regularly do just what I want to do, regardless of other’s expectations of me. I struggle with waking up to my alarm, so I kind of come into work whenever I feel like it. I don’t do drugs either, just relapse for one night on alcohol every 100 days or so. I’ve had my bloodwork done several times to check into this too.

I’m trying to figure out how much of this is my bpd (if it is at all related) and how much is something I can change. But I’ve tried to change before and I do not know if I can actually change.

I had a doctor suggest that I could have adhd, but I’ve never been officially diagnosed. But I’m not sure being diagnosed with this would help me.

I just don’t know if my issues are medical or personal or both. I want to be functional and consistent…

Do any of you struggle with this as well?