I don’t even know how to start, or where. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore. I thought I was getting better, or at least managing my feelings, but I don’t think I really am. I’m so good at masking (in the neurodivergent sense) that it almost feels like I’m masking from myself. I don’t think I trust myself enough to be honest with myself and it fucking kills me.

How am I supposed to live with myself if I can’t love myself or trust myself? What kind of relationship is that supposed to be? I feel like I’m constantly fighting me and I don’t even know why, because all I want is essentially to be happy, which would make me have ONE GOAL, right? So what’s there to even fight about??

 I recently got out of a toxic relationship that really fucking broke me. I don’t know if I even GOT out, I just don’t talk to them anymore. But I think about them everyday, not in the good fuzzy feeling type of way, more like was it even worth the time I spent with them kind of way. I really really fucking liked this person, they were my fp and I got so attached in such a little amount of time that when I realized I had to leave it was like leaving me WITH them. Thinking about that aspect of it is what started this domino effect, anyway.