I was diagnosed with BPD in 2020 and started DBT-PE (Dialectical Behavior Therapy with Prolonged Exposure) along with a DBT group. According to current understanding, BPD develops as a response to traumatic invalidation - when our emotional experiences are consistently denied, dismissed, or punished, especially by caregivers during crucial developmental periods.

When we experience repeated invalidation, our nervous system develops protective responses. These aren't random "symptoms" - they're exactly what we needed to survive. Our anger protected us from being taken advantage of. Our intense reactions made sure our needs couldn't be ignored. Our fear of abandonment kept us vigilant and safe from rejection.

The fundamental issue I found with DBT is that it operates within the DSM model, viewing these responses as symptoms of a disorder that need to be corrected. While well-intentioned, this approach can inadvertently repeat the pattern of invalidation. When we frame our emotional responses and protective behaviors as "symptoms" that need to be corrected, we're essentially telling these parts of ourselves that they're wrong or dysfunctional.

My experience with DBT-PE was invalidating to these parts. I was only to use DBT skills to "expose" myself to triggering situations. When I ended up quitting therapy and the DBT group, I thought there was something wrong with me. That if only I picked myself up by my bootstraps and tried harder, did my "homework," filled out my diary cards and really "did the work," I could heal myself.

I still got into conflict with my invalidating family and believed it was because I wasn't "doing the work." But now I see that DBT-PE wasn't effective because it was trying to change the parts that had kept me alive this long without their acknowledgment or permission.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) offers a radically different perspective. Instead of viewing our behaviors as symptoms to be corrected, IFS sees them as protective parts that developed to help us survive. These parts aren't broken - they're doing exactly what they learned to do to keep us safe. When we experience intense emotions or engage in self-destructive behaviors, these aren't "BPD symptoms" to be managed away. They're protective responses from parts of ourselves carrying deep pain and trauma.

My experience with IFS has been gentle and non-invasive. It feels respectful of exactly where I am, and I'm not forced to change anything I'm not ready to change. This lets all parts of myself feel safe, seen, and understood.

I'm not saying DBT doesn't work for some people - acceptance is part of the dialectic in DBT. I know that DBT's approach is built on both acceptance and change. What makes IFS unique is its perspective that these parts we often want to change are actually trying to help us. We start with pure curiosity about these parts and build relationships with them. Any change emerges organically from understanding, rather than being the goal from the start.

I know DBT is considered the gold standard for BPD, providing concrete skills that help many people manage overwhelming emotions and build stable relationships. But for those of us who've tried DBT and felt like failures, I want you to know there are other paths.

My relationship with myself and my parts, though I've just started IFS, is slowly transforming. For most of my life, I wanted to get rid of parts of myself I hated. Now I see these parts have always been trying to help me, even if in destructive ways. This shift in perspective has helped me develop real compassion towards myself - a huge change in how I've related to myself for most of my life.

If you're feeling like the one person DBT isn't working for, you're not alone. Your struggle isn't because you're not trying hard enough. Maybe, like me, you need an approach that starts with genuine acceptance of all your parts before any change can happen. There's nothing wrong with needing a different path to healing.