So Iv been diagnosed with bpd for 3 years now, im 27. 2 years ago my mom and step dad went through a nasty divorce and I got caught in the middle of it. The oldest child of the 3 of us so I was a therapist to my step dad. i went no contact with my mom when she split, due to her dumb reasons, delusion's and I realized she didn't care about me unless I was on her side 24/7. I had enough of it and shouldn't be responsible to be my mothers therapist, when she caused my trauma. ( longer story then this post) lol anyways during this time I cut off alot of family and lost my friend group I was with due to only being around them when Im happy. If i was miserable( which I was 3/4 of the time) I would cancle last minute due to my unstable mood. Those friends never understood and kept guilt tripping me into hanging out, wether I was in a good mood or not. I told them if they cant understand my mental health comes first then they can f*** off. So its been now almost a year without a friend group. Iv been in therapy for now 4 months as well. Iv been really good without a big group of friends. yet deep inside I want to make more friends( because of human nature possibly?) I am fine being by myself and doing my own thing but I crave connections. Im also terrified of making new friends in case they turn their backs on me if im feeling down. Idk perhaps I just dont understand how friendships work idk lol I miss being a teenager and hanging every other weekend just playing video games till 5 am. I made 2 new friends at work and Im terrified of them seeing the true side of me. Specially since they work at my job. Like idk I want to make new friends but im so used to being in solitude that I just dont want to be friends cuzz when Im vulnerable with someone, I push them away. sorry for the long post.