Apologies for the long post and if it doesn't make sense, I'm not sure where else I could vent and it just feels so heavy for me that I can't think properly. I don't know anyone else who could understand what I feel and I need some semblance of support.

It's been 3 days and I still feel like throwing up. I can't eat, drink, and I've cried so much for days straight to the point where I start feeling feverish. Distractions aren't working and my eyes hurt like hell.

After my previous breakup, I took about a year to focus on myself and try to heal from the hurt and only recently decided to find someone to love again. I have severe anxiety and wouldn't be able to seek someone in person, so I tried online. Got to know someone and we hit it off, after 2-3 days I felt so in love with him (Stupid and too soon, I know, but I couldn't help but feel so attached to him because he was so understanding, caring and kind to me, a huge contrast from my previous relationships) and everything was going well, I told him about my mental illnesses, my trauma, etc and even warned him that I may push him away without meaning to because my fear of abandonment is through the roof due to my previous relationships only ending up in me getting ghosted for months and even a year and I waited for my exes like a fucking dumbass yet never seem to learn my lesson.

The person that I got attached to told me that he would be able to handle my BPD because I communicated my feelings well (as best as I could). He was also in a poly relationship and I knew this from the start, told him that I wouldn't be able to because it would trigger my BPD so fucking much, but somehow we decided to just talk as friends and I agreed and got so fucking attached 2 days later, fell in love, and every trigger and symptoms I've been able to keep under wraps for a year without being in a relationship came out like a dam has been broken.

He still managed to help keep me in check for 2 weeks, I was having on and off episodes of feeling suddenly hurt, then happy that I have him, then I feel guilty because it felt like I was bothering him with my existence and I felt like a burden to him, then sad because I felt like a second option or not his priority just because he was poly despite him treating me with SO well with so much attention I could've ever asked for and so much reassurances, and then in the third week, the sudden feeling of chronic emptiness hitting me like a truck. I felt so scared of being in the relationship despite him being nothing but kind and understanding to me, I told him that I didn't want to continue it even though I wanted to, even if I knew it was bad for me but it was because I loved him so fucking much, and I still do. I pushed him away and he agreed to end it which surprised me and hurt me in so many ways because he didn't fight for me and I started feeling even more unloved and unwanted. Before I could gather my thoughts to snap out of it, to apologize or say anything, he sent me a message saying that he had wanted nothing more than to make me happy and care for me, but because I told him that he kept hurting me in the midst of my episode, he felt that the relationship wasn't good for me and told me he was going to leave and blocked me.

I couldn't stop crying after my last message didn't even go through. I begged him to not leave me and it failed to even send as he had already blocked me and I just feel so shattered. I don't know his socials, I don't know anything about him that I could use to reach out to him. It's been 3 days and I still can't stop crying, I don't feel like I can function like a normal human being. I forced my normal happy personality when I'm talking to my friends because they don't know about this, but I feel so broken and stupid and everything just hurts. I've only known him for 3 weeks max but I felt like I've loved him for a lifetime and I don't know what to do.

I started breaking down again as I write this out. I feel so stupid, I feel so fucking lonely, I feel so unlovable and unwanted, I feel like I need to have someone to love, I feel like I want to isolate myself again and never find another person again, I feel like I want him to come back so I can apologize and everything can go back to the way it was but I know he wouldn't. I don't think he even knows I'm feeling this way. He's probably doing just fine, but I feel so suffocated, yet at the same time I don't really blame him for not wanting anything to do with me either?? I don't know. I'm feeling so many things at once. I'm so sorry if this isn't the right sub to post this to, but any emotional support is greatly appreciated and needed. Thank you so much if you've read this far.