It's crazy to think that I still have so much more that I could lose. I can still lose my stuff in storage. I can still lose my car and even lose my life.

I woke up and wished a dear friend that I split on a happy birthday and told them about having BPD and they never answered back. They're probably over it.

Then I got into a huge argument with my parents. I has made the mistake of forgetting just how frustrating it is for me to be around them, and I made the mistake of thinking that I could possibly depend on them to give me the space that I needed to recover from a break-up that left me with executive dysfunction unable to leave my bed. I regret not fighting it and not maintaining my job and apartment. My dad's a hoarder and has been through so much trauma yet he refuses to get any mental help and claims he doesn't need it. He insists all his stuff is important and he needs it for his contracting work when most of the shit is in trashbags rusting away in the yard. His hoarding and procrastination caused what could've been a small bed bug issue in my sister's room to to become a house wide issue and now it's become my issue. He had the nerve to ask me what's wrong after I've repeatedly told him that I needed him to clean out the yard so that we can have a little garden and so I can bring my propane grill out of storage. I've told him multiple time how this effects our mood and our sense of pride. Same with the bed bugs. I spent $1300 on bedbug heaters for him to use that were ineffective because it was winter time and the house requires central heating to be 90⁰ for the heater to reach 120⁰ to be effective. So half my stuff has been sitting in storage and the other half I assume has bed bugs. I've distanced myself from all my friends out of embarrassment and fear of spreading them, and I've just spent months isolating in my room getting bit all over my body. The whole summer has gone by and he's barely made a dent in the back yard and not once taken the initiative to use the heaters on the few 90⁰ days that we had. Even if he used them it still wouldn't have reached every crack and crevice with the amount of junk he has. His negligence has cost me thousands of dollars in storage fees, my ability to hang out with old friends and recover, enjoy our home and heal, and the bugs IRK me the fuck out!

He had the nerve to ask me what was wrong this morning in passing and I let him have it. There I was, 43 yo yelling at my mom and dad about hoarding, bed bugs, Japanese knot weed, storage fees, and anything else that I could think of. My poor mom loves this man and deserves so much more in life. I told them that they were codependent and that she could've divorced him for a trashman and have lived a better quality of life. I declined a hug from my mom and went back to my room like a 12 year old, and my day had the nerve to message me, "Tell me the practicalways to solve these problems." Like I haven't been doing so for the past 6 months! Something snapped and I really started digging into him deep. He tried to tell me that he doesn't need help because he's the one that others come to for advice because he's a community leader. That's when I just unloaded examples of like 40 years worth of emotional trauma and he just kept trying to defend himself because we struggled so much as a 1st generation family. He just insisted that he would get help if he needed it but he doesn't! Here I am having a mental breakdown and having to explain the nuances of appreciating someone's struggle wet not appreciating having to grow up to fast because of it. I literally broke down every trauma down to when I was born ,started giving my mother seizures, and had to be raised by a wetnurse and how it was traumatizing to be ripped away from her after weeks or months of breast feeding me. He just got defensive after all the examples I gave him about his negligence and traumas I had experienced. He claimed that I was trying to blame everything on him even though I was taking responsibility for the way I was acting when I lost my ex. I tried to explain that the way he raised me and taught me to love through example was toxic and shaped me into the codependent jerk. He just claimed that I was trying to prove that he was a bad father, and I'm like you're a bad father because you're still defensive and aren't acknowledging your role in my trauma by not dealing with your own! I told him that he no longer has access to my feelings and to please only talk to me about things that he wants to do to improve his and in turn our overall quality of life. It gets so tiring having to be a kid and an adult at the same time in every situation. At least I've gotten good at rationally explaining why I'm being irrational, but there isn't anyone left to explain it to except a therapist who probably won't even get it after hours of explaining. Sigh