One time I looked up what’s the most painful mental disorder to have and the crazy thing was it said it was BPD. My heart sank. I genuinely started feeling bad for myself but also validated. The sad reality of people with BPD is they go through life being let down and abused by their caretakers and then when they find someone they can finally trust and love that person ends up doing the exact same thing to them. The cycle then keeps repeating itself. Find someone to obsess with. Get let down. Excuse other behaviors. Blame self. It’s a sick cycle. You’re in this never ending loop of self hate and hatred for others. You understand you deserve the most amazing love in the world yet you’re willing to accept lies, abuse, and trauma. You’re willing to forgive. You’re willing to believe that love can happen to you even though countless times humans have proved to be so terrible.

I’m so tired of being like this. I’m so tired of never receiving the love and care I should’ve received as a child so now I’m a grown adult with a multitude of mental issues and a lack of self love. I’m a grown adult spending most of my days depressed and addicted to marijuana.

Sometimes I ask myself if I’m addicted to feeling like this. Am I addicted to people treating me like shit? Am I addicted to pain? Am I addicted to just crying all day and feeling bad for myself?

I see a lot of people around me being capable of feeling happiness and I really am genuinely confused because all I feel everyday is empty.

I’m empty and tired. I’m exhausted and emotional. I’m sad and disappointed.

Why can’t I shake the thought that I’m simply just unlovable and everyone is eventually going to leave anyway. Everyone is going to screw me over anyway like everyone has been.

I feel so alone. I just feel so alone.