This is something I’ve been struggling with for months. Only recently did it occur to me that bad people don’t feel guilt or shame for their terrible decisions, they don’t try to make amends or try to be a better person.

So why do I still feel so horrible?

I was in a relationship with someone I wholeheartedly believe was the love of my life. And while I was never unfaithful, never cheated, never lied, I was very difficult. Mood swings, emotionally manipulative for assurance and attention. There are things I said that I didn’t mean. I would get irritated at the smallest things and had moments where I was unthoughtful and unkind. I have tried to make things right but they cut me out of their life and I’ve been respectful of those boundaries.

I started therapy after the breakup and while I have made a considerable amount of progress towards healing and becoming a better, emotionally stable person, I still have a hard time forgiving myself. For feeling like I lost this incredible person and it was all my fault. If I were to give advice to myself I know what I would say: “you can’t change the past, you can only learn from your mistakes so you never make them again.”

It’s sound advice but it does nothing to take away the burden I feel, the inherent feeling that I am a bad person and that this is what I get. That I deserve to be alone.