Sometimes I convince myself that my BPD diagnosis was a mistake, than I remember how I used to be and I accept it. Sometimes I think I am getting better and close to be “asymptomatic” but sometimes like now where a simple thing trigger a episode. Tuesday, my sister fought and I (I can explain later why we fought) and even if I don’t think I am THE wrong one she is not talking to me and I feel so bad. I’ve been SH free for years but it is getting harder and harder and I cannot stop thinking about this it is like a lens in my eyes where I see the real world and I fantasise about SH at the same time. I don’t feel guilty but I just feel so bad like I am being consumed by the inside, it is like I am carrying a physical weight and I am not really interested in this real world. My mask is so so good that I still go to work and “laugh” with my colleagues I answer their questions even if I cannot hear my own voice. It is so exhausting and I cannot stop, I physically cannot stop! I only have my small family (mother and sister) and I cannot talk to my mother about those things for several reasons.

I don’t know what to do I am so lost. I need ideas of how to live through it.