And I feel bad. We have taken a lot of time away from each other, sometimes necessary personal time sometimes just because we were too depressed to speak, sometimes prioritizing our relationships. I never blamed her or held anything against her. We both suffer from pretty crushing agoraphobia, I used to think I was worse but apparently I was dead wrong.

She went through some pretty emotionally traumatic experiences these past two years, but generally her entire life has been full of traumas. It is actually how we bonded in the first place.

But now things are different. I used to understand why we had been friends for nearly 3 years back then and only lived 15 minutes apart from each other yet still never met offline. But now I’m starting to realize one of us is a lot more equipped for this friendship than the other. I always try to extend myself. If she can’t pay cuz she’s always broke I have enough to cover us both for the most part. If she can’t go far cuz she can’y drive herself it’s cool cuz I can drive us both. If she can’t handle leaving the house that’s cool I can come over we can watch tv and order food in. I even offered to let her crash at my place any time she needed given that she’s okay with telling me ahead of time so I can run it by my mom. She actually hasn’t even come close to where I live at least hasn’t told me and again we’re only 15 minutes apart from each other. We set three separate dates to hang out this past month alone, one of which I even offered to treat her too cuz she had gotten fired. All of which she didn’t show up too nor did she text me when I asked her if she was coming or if she forgot. Then days later she would make comments about the plans we made but not at all about how she didn’t show up.

I don’t mind her being quiet or ghosting me a lot these days. I do mind her making time for her online friends, some of whom she literally just met. Actively responding to people online but ignoring me when I try to reach out in places I see her speaking to people and getting ignored. And it’s kind of getting old being ignored all the time. Even if she wanted to ignore me online sure but at least show up to the plans we make. I only ever canceled on her once in my life and it was to a concert where I was too nervous about my health (and my mom’s health cuz she’s disabled) to go to and she never quite forgave me for that. She keeps promising things will get better and that hopefully her antidepressants can fix things but she’s not really trying anything outside of meds to fix how she’s been acting nor has she even spoke to me since using her new meds even though I can see she’s still active other places. I just feel so sad now.