I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve been doing the work to be independent. My last love was also my fp. And god she was an exceptional woman. Doesn’t mean she didn’t have her demons, her issues. But don’t get it twisted a lot of our problems came from me.

I hate being alone. I always needed an fp to make me feel validated and to drag around with me at all times. But not anymore. I’m not doing that ever again. I don’t want to NEED someone. I just want to want them in my life. Friends. Lovers. I don’t care who they are, I just need normal relationships.

I’ve been single for about seven months now. And somehow I feel more empty than ever. I’ve tried my hand at dating. But nothing special. I know special. She taught me what special feels like. I’ve been a slut in my life. But meeting her changed everything for me. I’m not on the search for my true love. Not now anyway. But I had forgotten how empty I felt before now that she’s gone. I’m still wildly hypersexual. But it’s so different now. Sex with my former partner was like magic. I’m not going to glorify our unhealthy sex life, but no one has made my soul ignite like her. All day. Every day. Cancelling plans. Staying wrapped around each other. Good passionate and romantic. The only times we weren’t having sex we were romancing each other in others ways which would inevitably lead back to sex. Those cravings are still there. And it’s not like before. I miss her but I do not want her anymore. But I don’t want anyone.

I’m a sapiosexual, might even be on the demisexual spectrum. People have chased me. I make them chase me because I’m so unavailable I’m practically standing on Mars. Plenty of people have tried to hop into bed with me. Two people came very close. But despite this hypersexual drive, I feel nothing for these people even when they meet literally every standard I have.

Even when I make people move heaven and earth just to please me, I don’t feel a goddamn thing. I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel human. I don’t feel special. She made me feel everything. I don’t just feel nothing I feel less than nothing now. How do I make it stop? How do I feel special again? I’m trying so hard to love myself. I want to feel special all on my own. But god it would feel good if one person made me feel even a fraction of what she made me feel.

Anyway, have a nice day everyone. Drink some water. Enjoy the weather.