I always thought with age would come wisdom and greater self control. And in some ways that is true, I recovered from my childhood eating disorder, I went to therapy, I healed a lot of trauma. But somehow it’s like a dam went off in my brain. I have zero control over myself, I can get in my car feeling like the king of the world like a literal god. Then 20 minutes later I’m home rushing to my room ready to burst into tears because I feel like I need to kill myself because no one loves me and I don’t deserve good things and I can never undo the things I’ve done to others or any pain I’ve caused. I never had friends for most of my life, then after I lit a horrible fire on my last/greatest relationship of all time I made dozens of them. Real friends. The kind of people who would actually show up at my funeral and remember my birthday. And I still don’t feel better. I’m still miserable. Fuck I still feel worthless somedays. And amazing others. Before it could depend on the day but now it’s like hours can go by and I’m a totally different person. At this point I have checkpoints in my life and if I fail a single one, I’m pretty much going to end it all because how can any go through this and want to live a long life? If I can’t make my life worthwhile it’s a waste of a life