I’m mostly using this to vent. Mostly. God I’m so alone. I actually used to be even more alone. I actually made a lot of friends finally and my social life went from 0 to 100 since I lost my love. Lost as in stupid break up that was my fault lol. I remember how alone I used to feel when I was with her, we were long distance at the time so feeling lonely is natural. But being along for months and having no friends was an awful feeling.

Now I have my friends. But not her. Weirdly enough it doesn’t hurt worse, it hurts about the same just different. Before it was like a stabbing pain in my head telling me no one could stand me. Now it’s a stabbing pain in my core telling me that it’s all my fault, I’m going to be alone because I’m so miserable, I hate myself. I do hate myself. Which is weird cuz in five minutes I will think of a stupid joke and love myself again. But 9/10 times I just fucking hate me. If I wasn’t myself I’d beat the shit out of me. I mean hell I used to punch myself in the face, jaw, and nose to punish myself for how much I hated me.

This is my life. This lonely empty feeling is deserved. Dying would mean an escape. No more debt to repay to my mom. No more tedious work. No more classes. No more thinking about the world falling apart. No more seeing people suffer. No more listening to my friends hurting. No more emptiness. The one feeling I know I will never be strong enough to face is that moment right before you end your own life where you deeply wish you didn’t do what you just did, and more than ever you want to live before life is ripped away from you. I will never be able to say I can accept that. So I guess I will just keep living until I find a way to die properly. I wouldn’t mind saving someone’s life? Maybe getting shot or stabbed or run over in the process. Or maybe being some loud activist who gets assassinated. Or I just die in my sleep like my dad. He always said that’s how he wanted it to be. He didn’t like pain, he wanted a peaceful death. I’m tired of hurting every day. I don’t know if I deserve a peaceful death or if I’m just craving one because I know what’s to come will be so much worse.

Anyway I’m done with my angst lol, I hope this didn’t trigger anyone I would hate that. Life is worth living and the world is better having had the person reading this in it. Don’t leave this world, way more people deserve to be blessed by meeting you. Let me go instead lol