(posting here too, originally posted in polyadvice)

TW for ED, suicidal ideation

i had to be admitted to the psych ward a couple of weeks back due to suicidal ideation thanks to body image issues (which were spurred on by my nesting partner’s mother on purpose… whole another story) and my self image is incredibly poor. I was released from the ward with a diagnosis of BPD, CPTSD and non purging bulimia

i gained weight because im on new antipsychotics and i feel like garbage about myself.

on my previous meds, i was over the moon about the idea of polyamory and felt like myself, but then the meds made me horrendously suicidal. my current meds dont curb my intrusive thoughts and symptoms associated with BPD nearly as much and I feel confused and conflicted.

my partner (26M) is currently not seeing other people while I (22F) am. but the idea of him with someone else crushes me on the grounds of my body image issues; if he were to date someone skinnier, i know it would cause me to spiral.

does anyone have a similar experience (eg. bpd and polyamory)? i love being poly but i am terrified that my mental state does not allow for it at the moment.