I (F29) often feel like such an alien when people talk about their romantic partners and that kind of love in general. It’s also hard for me to maintain connections with friends and the few family members I communicate with, but obviously this is expected with BPD.

My issue with romantic relationships is that once it turns physical I can’t sustain that connection. It grosses me out that someone would touch me and I also don’t believe anyone could love me after touching me. If I’m even remotely attracted to somebody my first inclination is to book it for the hills, throw up, and crawl out of my skin. As a result I’ve never been with someone in this manner for more than three weeks without breaking up. My longest relationship has been 3 weeks! And YET, I have a history of risky sexual encounters with strangers and sometimes multiple at a time which inevitably results in me thinking I’m in “love” even though the moment they reciprocate I disappear. I actually believe that I’m going to die never having experienced this feeling that has eluded humans since the dawn of our time. What songs and poems are written about, no matter how imperfect it is.

I would like to not feel so messed up and forge a genuine, loving connection with someone I am also intimately attached to. Those of you with partners like this how do you do it? If you felt similar how did you change?