Weird post. Probably says a lot about me. Anyways, for nearly 6 years I was with someone who had BPD, I even married her. It ended in spectacular fashion as you might imagine, with no shortage of false accusation aimed my way. She tried with all her might to paint me the villain for a year, to no avail. I will never want to be with her again, and am patiently waiting for the day I will be able to have zero contact with her whatsoever.

All that said... I miss the drama, the ups and downs, the sheer intensity of it. I miss catching the little things she would try to get away with. I miss having to "handle" all the nonsense. I was good at it, better at it than anyone else in her life. I was better at it than I am at anything else, it feels like. It felt like true mastery of a skill. Not only that, it was simply fun. Until it wasn't I guess.

I've been with a few women since, and honestly, nothing comes close to the mental activation I got with her. Except one other girl, which is why this thought has come up again. She was a hot mess, not formally diagnosed with anything but I could tell right away. All those behaviours I had developed for dealing with my ex, fit in exactly with her mind. I felt ridiculously activated again, I had forgotten all about it. I was catching her in her lies, I was showing her her own contradictions. It wasn't to make her feel bad about it, it's like a game, it's fun. It stimulates me. In any case, that ended too, likely for the best.

Anyways just wanted to dump all that out there. I've spoken to a few friends about it and they tell me I'm nuts, that I'm playing with fire. Yeah, I am playing with fire, that's why I like it. No one really "gets it". Curious how others with BPD view my take on this