tw selfharm, sex

im cutting myself in a bathroom and im on call with my fp but ive been pushing him away lately and only replying to him but like it used to be me talking but now i have gone back to obsessing over him bc i cant get over him no matter how many guys i hookup with and how many times i do it. im scared he'll leave me. i wanna ask him if im being annoying and all of those questions but i know he doesnt like it. fuck fuck fukc ive also been havign nightmares about him i called him like over 10 times but he JUST responded rn and i feel a bit comforted bc his presence comforts me but im worried he doesnt like me now and thinks im annoying and hes being rly quiet. sure we stay on call often and are just quiet but im worried bc we havent called in a while. what do i do???? my thiughts are getting loud and im trying not to be loud