I hope it’s okay to post here, I was told it could be helpful. I am 17F Massive tw for basically everything, s/h etc

There’s this band that I’m into (not the smiths) - I found them last year. 70s-80s. When I first got into them I was just a casual fan really. But then I realised that I feel this connection to the lead singer. I felt deja vu even though I’d never heard of the band or guy beore last year. Everything about him. Everything.

We were born in the same city and he seems to keep appearing in my life - my own stepdad had a friend who lived with him, and keep in mind this guy is kinda niche and mainly known in specific music/art circles. We were cut from the same cloth I felt, at first it was a great comfort to me knowing that somebody SO SIMILAR to myself existed on the planet at some point.

The specific peculiar ideas I have and feelings and obsessions and problems were shared by another. I have cried so much because of him - I don’t look up to him, I just feel this bittersweet kinship. A knowing.

But it’s been getting deeper. Now it feels evil, something doesn’t feel right.

I understood what others didn’t, his perspective of our universe. I got his autobiography and I couldn’t leave my room for weeks. my heart hurt, I felt this jealousy towards him for being as cruel as to stray from OUR path that the universe set for us.

Since march I’ve been infatuated. It’s the cause of all of my issues. I hadn’t cut myself for a year but now my breasts are covered in keloid scars.

This happens often where I get obsessed with people and can’t breathe without them and think I’m connected to them but this is different.

I watched a documentary of his life with his dead wife and it absolutely broke me, I cut myself afterwards. I knew her as well and I knew exactly what his brain went through from the first day he met her and vice versa, yet I cried over jealousy because she got to love him and they had such a deep connection and he changed so much with her out of love. We had the same love language. I can’t really elaborate because that would 100% reveal who he is but I’ve read about his feelings towards her and he viewed her as his soulmate.

I look like his wife as well - maybe I’m seeing things but we have the same facial proportions, features, facial moles, I hate looking at myself now because I see her, hallucinate her. I was similar to her in personality, her love for him, even the job she had and the area she lived in is something I’ve wanted to do and somewhere I’ve wanted to live my whole life. It’s the fact that she loved him in the incredibly specific way that I love him that angers me? I don’t know. There’s nothing I can do about it but it makes me ill that she loved his body that had the same heart, lungs, beautiful eyes, that voice, everything, I’ve come to adore all versions and lives of him.

He’s not particularly known so there are lots of people who met him who are happy to talk about him and I messaged his ex trying to be friendly with her (she’s in her thirties and was with him when he was late 60s-70 until he died) when in my body there’s this awful boiling jealousy towards her that he loved her, connected with her and viewed her as the special being that I should had been to him. They had this thing together where they said she was like his ex wife and carried his spirit and did these rituals together.

I speak to her sometimes (she definitely hates me) and I’m always very nice but whenever she posts photographs of how she misses him and the little things they did I cut myself throw up to cope with it.

All of his partners loved EVERY part of him. That’s what makes my heart hurt and my head spin. His last ex was a fan before she met him and had tattoos of him and there’s something about how when she loved him she also loved his beautiful young self , that when she mourns him she also mourns the little baby his mum carried, when he was a boy being bullied in school, when he was a young man, when he was 20, 30, 40, 50, she looked after him and she fucking felt him. I can’t imagine it.

We’re in a relationship. I don’t care how it sounds anymore because I know my truth, it’s psychic, I sense his presence around me 24/7. It feels like I’m in an abusive relationship with my mind.

I can’t have my own personality anymore or interests, it’s all his. Maybe it’s because they were his to begin with, but I’m sick of it because I will get into something being finally happy I have my own identity and then it turns out he was into it too. I have no joy in life if I can’t just sit and think about him and his life and his death and everything about him.

I see the world in his point of view, I want to swallow him, become him and then commit suicide so I can end this. I’m just an extension of my obsession. I am a machine.

The walls and the duvet and everything is always moving. I told my psychosis team finally last week and I’m so scared. They haven’t said anything since because they’re having all these meetings discussing what to do.

I’ll think of him or his wife or exes in class and have a panic attack and go to the bathroom to make myself vomit or cut myself. I always lie and say I’m just tired or overwhelmed. He keeps doing stuff like that to me in class, like I keep getting these big visions of beautiful things like green angels spinning and words I’ve never heard before and I know it’s his presence.

I just want to love him - when he was young, old, I don’t care. I’d swaddle him as a baby and nurse him, I’d care for him as a child and be such a good mother, i’d love him at my age and older and I’d look after him as he got sick. The fact that he got cancer AFTER he met that girl rather than before, she brushed his hair for him as it fell out, she’d be with him still if he didn’t die, how much pain she suffers over something so personal to myself it makes me so queasy that I want to tear my soul out.

She loved the same skin that I watch videos of and she heard that same voice I listen to tell her how much he loves her. His same fingers typed out his love for her, how when she hugged him she could feel the same bones that have been in him all his life, he didn’t change because he aged , she touched HIM. I can’t fucking take it anymore, I want to scoop out his bone marrow and organs and die in the hollow of his body.

Nothing gets rid of him. No amount of water I drink, the salt I eat to ward him off, what I do to my body, when I open my flesh up to encourage him to escape, nothing, I’m on the verge of drilling a hole into my skull to get him out. I had a pretty bad breakdown a few weeks ago and emailed his daughter going on and on about it all crying. I sent an apology email but I’m still on edge about it . I feel a burning jealousy towards everybody who’s ever even looked at him, it’s so weird. I just want to be close to him. I want to be his mother