For instance, I had this best friend in 2nd grade. He was very poor and his mother was a single mother of 3 children. He would tell me that he wouldn’t leave and I’d never believe him. Then once time I believed him, week later he moved away. I couldn’t ever trust anyone ever again (until college). I just never got over him leaving, like for 7 years I longed for him until I found him and we dated when I was 15 (and it was unhealthy af, so we only dated for 3 months lol).

Another thing was is that in elementary school I just never fit in and I was bullied. But I wanted to fit in so desperately that I would try change myself to do so. I kept going back and trying to be friends with my own bullies. Middle school helped with building my identity, but I had so little self esteem that in 8th grade I was in an abusive relationship for 9 months. I didn’t even like him, I just didn’t know how to say no, and I thought that was love.

When I was 14, I had met this girl online on this kid’s website. I really liked her, and I confessed my feelings for her. But then like a week later I was going to high school, and I realized that I was addicted to this website and I shouldn’t do that in high school, so I literally abandoned her without a thought. It took me a long time to realize what I did to her, and I probably messaged her 100 times, but it was too late, she had logged off too. When I was 15 I did this again, to another girl. I just became totally distant for no reason.

I don’t know but I think it is interesting to this about my past now that I’ve been recently diagnosed with BPD.