I am (f19), my ex/fp is (m30)

Really quick, I know the age gap is a lot to take in, but I would like to defend him by saying that we met when I was already eighteen at the restaurant I work at where he was a regular. He didn’t actually know my age until the day he asked me out (in later conversation he had said that he assumed I was around 21)

I would like to also clarify that this is not a patterned behavior, before me he dated women closer to his age.

I understand that the age gap is still going to be the main thing people might harp on, and I don’t blame you, but I really thought we made it work. He was a complete gentleman, we took things at my pace, he treated me really well.

Anyways my ex-boyfriend and I dated for five months, starting in November, becoming official in December, and then he broke up with me in April. He is the first person I’ve ever dated. My first kiss, everything. This is might be why I’m finding it especially devastating and hard to move on.

We had a lot of similar beliefs with politics, religion, social etiquette etc. He was super sweet. When we had disagreements it would be sorted out very calmly and rationally. We didn’t even get to have our first argument before he broke up with me. It sounds weird I know but its an important milestone in a relationship which I feel determines how strong the relationship is (depending on how healthy the resolution is ofc) and I almost feel like I missed out. He was very accommodating with all of my weird mental stuff, never got frustrated about my ocd tendencies or my mood swings from really happy to all sad and weepy. He cared about my wellbeing (both physical and mental) and I cared about his. My parents, after getting over the initial shock of the age gap, really liked him and how he treated me. I really can’t list all the things that I liked about him. Would take too long.

The reason we broke up was because while he was on a two week deployment, he had told his coworkers about me at a dinner and they tore into him about the age gap. Essentially ruining his reputation at work. Distraught, he then proceeded to get very drunk and nearly cheat on me (nothing physical is what he said). This was during the first weekend of the deployment. He then mulled over whether or not to stay with me and then how to break up with me for the remaining week. He didn’t mention anything was out of the ordinary to me until Friday, the day before he was coming back. I had sent him a message on Thursday night asking him if he was okay and telling him that I’d support him however I could because he was being really quiet over text (out of the ordinary for him). I woke up Friday morning to a long text message detailing what I mentioned above and saying that we needed to ‘split.’ I cried for a little bit then I talked to some of my close friends about it but for the most part I was kind of just in shock.

I drove out and cried in an empty Chuck-E-Cheese parking lot for a little bit and then I called him. He explained what happened essentially the same as in his text. He said it might be best if I went to his apartment to take some of my stuff before he got back to make the next day easier. He used to say that I was the prettiest girl ever and that he loved me so much and that he wanted for me to see him and his apartment as a safe space. And then he just threw me out like trash. Lol sorry that’s overdramatic, but it really felt like whiplash how he had been so loving and sweet and then suddenly we were done and there was nothing I could do about it. He said he still loved me but he didn’t want to feel like a predator everytime we go out together. He was hurting too. He didn’t want to break up but he said that everytime he looked at me or thought about me it would get overshadowed by the remarks of his colleagues. I can understand his decision but that didn’t make it hurt any less.

The next day I was just a puddle of tears and anxiety. I am not proud of this but I absolutely groveled and pled for him not to break up with me. It was honestly so embarrassing and pathetic but I don’t think it would’ve been possible for me to act any other way. I really loved him. I smiled everytime he kissed me. I loved cuddling up and watching shows with him. I would help him with his meal prep. While I was there that day he was mostly cleaning, trying to distract himself from the sadness. I collected my things. We talked. I left.

My birthday was actually two weeks before he broke up with me and his was about a month after. Unfortunately I had bought his gift (merch from his favorite band) way in advance and i couldn’t give it to anyone else so I asked him if I could stop by to drop it off. I may sound weird for this but again, I really loved him and I wanted him to have a nice birthday gift so i put the sweatshirt in a box along with a few of his favorite snack foods. I dropped it off and we said our goodbyes (I was still crying a lot, very embarrassing) but that was the last time I saw him in person.

It has been five, almost six months and he has been the only thing on my mind. I have done my best not to contact him so he has the room to heal that he asked for. Unfortunately for me, he’s literally been haunting my dreams like every other night. For the first three months, I was having panic attacks near daily. Every night for the first five months apart I cried because I would just replay the breakup in my head over and over and I couldn’t stop it. I’d lay in bed all of Saturday and Sunday, only getting up to use the restroom or maybe shower. Recently I’ve only been crying some nights, and I’ve been able to go out during the weekend again (progress!! Yay!!) so I am getting better slowly. I missed him so much. I felt like I was going crazy so I decided to draft up a message asking him to meet up somewhere to talk, I ended up sending this:

“Hey would you feel comfortable meeting up to talk sometime? It doesn’t have to be soon, just whenever you’re free and you feel up to it. Its ok if you don’t want to talk. I understand.”

To which he responded

“About what exactly”

And then I said

“Ah I’m not entirely sure, i didn’t actually expect to get this far, i think i just want to know if you’re doing ok because I miss you. I can’t stop thinking about you, it doesn’t matter how hard i try. I feel like meeting up and talking might help give me a little more closure.”

And then he sent a message saying essentially that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore and that he’s in a new committed relationship.

It completely shattered me. I know he broke up with me but I was still so hopeful...he had said he loved me and I guess I thought that love wouldn’t go anywhere for a while. Mainly because I still loved him so much. I would’ve understood if he was just still processing and healing because thats what I was doing (although not very well or efficiently haha). But I don’t know what to do now. I’m just another girl he used to date, but he’s still everything to me. I guess I just wasn’t expecting him to move on so fast. A little bit delusional of me, I know. I just really wanted to be with him again.

I wished him a happy healthy relationship, but my curiosity had to be sated with one more thing. I swear i wasn’t trying to be intrusive but I had to know so I asked him how long it took for him to move on from me. He said it took him a ‘long time’ to figure out what he wanted in a relationship and that this one is relatively new. Very vague answers but I didn’t wanna pry. He then said that the conversation was making him uncomfortable so I apologized and assured him I would not contact him again.

I wasn’t lying I really will not be contacting him again as there is no reason for me to and because I don’t want to disrupt his happiness.

But now I don’t know what to do. It hurts so much. His responses felt so cold. I miss sitting next to him watching him play his video games. I miss surprising him with gifts. I miss getting little kisses on my forehead. I miss helping him clean. I miss feeling loved.

I have an amazing group of friends who have been so supportive throughout this whole ordeal. Two of them came over immediately to console me after I showed them what he said. I would like to mention that they also thought his responses seemed unnecessarily cold. That made me feel a little better. I was worried I was overthinking with his tone so it was nice to have some reassurance. But they may be biased since they’re my friends so maybe we’re just all overthinking.

I feel betrayed. From the initial breakup to how things are now, I don’t know...I may just be entitled but i wish things had ended differently. I also feel like it is possible that he might have moved on at a normal pace but I wouldn’t know since I am very inexperienced with this stuff. I’m in just as much pain as I was the day he broke things off and its five and a half months later so I just find it sad that I could mean so little to him.

I’m also a little embarrassed about how obsessive I feel about him when we only dated for five months. Its such a short amount of time but I really thought we’d last at the very least a few years if not y’know forever.

I genuinely hope he’s happy despite how much I’m hurting. Its probably for the best, at least I won’t have to worry about him moving on anymore. Since it’s already happened. I got the closure I needed, it just hurts. I’m really ready to move on but my dumb little brain doesn’t know how. I can’t have interest in anyone else until I get over him because it feels like a betrayal. Both to him and to any prospective partners. Since I still harbor love for him, I can’t be with anyone else because..well I love him and it would be ‘cheating’ (not really I know but I just feel so icky at the thought of being with anyone but him romantically or physically). Plus the concept of getting into a new relationship while still not being over a previous one has always seemed rude to me. Not that I’m looking to jump into something new right away. I just want the pain to stop. I love him so much it hurts.

Whew this was not supposed to be as long as it was and its super ramble-y, so I totally understand if no one read it all the way through or just skimmed it lmao but thank you for giving me just a bit of your time anyway! It feels good just to type this out and get it off my chest. If anyone has any cool tricks on how to get over this as quickly as possible please tell me!! I’m super tired of feeling like a pathetic little wretch!!

TL,DR Guy i dated for 5 months broke up with me, he now has a new partner almost six months later, I feel like trash cuz he moved on so fast while I still feel the pain of the breakup every day. If you have any helpful advice on how to move on gimme (please)!! Thank you for your time!