Some days i feel perfectly happy and fulfilled. But the second i have no distractions i become overwhelmed with this feeling of emptiness. I’m physically alone most of my life, i live alone, i got out of my abusive home as soon as i turned 18. And now i crave a deep love that i never received but it always seems to fall right through my fingertips. I cant maintain friendships, i can’t even begin to find anyone that wants a relationship with me.

Because of this emptiness i have what i would call “binges” of spending money, consuming excessive amount of substances, risky sexual behavior (like really risky with people i should not be engaging with whether it’s a coworker, someone who’s in a relationship- very bad things with serious consequences) and i don’t care what lines i’m crossing all my moral boundaries become nonexistent i just need to fill that void at all costs even if myself or others get hurt as collateral damage. I try to turn it inward to hurt myself instead of hurting others, but nobody deserves to be hurt not even myself so i don’t know why i keep doing these things. I’m so aware of it i should know better.

I feel really disappointed in myself and it’s so hard when you only have yourself to blame for the actions you’ve chosen willingly. My coworker told me “i’m a horrible person” today and it’s really messing with me. He doesn’t know a thing about me so i know it’s just a judgement based off my own foolish actions (in this case i was gossiping about a coworker that i actually really like and didn’t mean it at all) and i know that i’m not a bad person and it is just my BPD, but it’s not like i can tell anyone that because they wouldn’t even understand enough to care or think that’s a valid excuse. Maybe it’s not, idk.

If i can just find healthy ways to fill that void, i won’t need to engage in these types of behaviors so i’m hoping y’all can point me in the right direction because i don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to hurt myself or others and i wanted to get into therapy years ago when i almost lost my best friend because i never wanna hurt anyone again but i still can’t afford therapy so this cycle hasn’t stopped it just keeps manifesting in new ways. Am i a bad person or is it just my bpd? I always feel extremely bad when i realize what i have done but i don’t want that to be an excuse to continue bad behavior. I refuse to give up hope that there’s a better way to navigate all of this.