Tw: SH suicide

A lot of the time when I have these really intense mood swings and suddenly feel like I want to commit suicide or self harm etc I can’t tell if I am actually genuinely feeling that way or just dramatizing it/playing it up because I’m hoping for attention ? It’s so confusing.

To be clear, I have struggled through my whole life with unmistakably real suicidal thoughts and tendencies and self harm stuff. So a lot of the time it is OBVIOUSLY real and scary etc.

But there are SOME of the times when I really don’t know if it’s real or not.. at those times I just try my absolute best to mask and hide it if I’m around anyone cause I don’t wanna reinforce that these behaviors WILL get me attention. So I just try to act like everything’s normal even when I’m feeling this way inside.

But I’m also like.. am I just lying to myself and maybe they ARE real and now I’m just bottling it all up and lying to those around me that I am okay when I’m actually not? Or am I actually okay and lying to myself that I am not okay ??

Do you guys have any idea how to know which is which ?