I feel like a terrible person/parent because I hoping for the 'worst' regarding my results.

So I've struggled with my physical health, along side my mental health for some time. The usual aches most mentally exhausted folk struggle with, but I also had an incident some years ago which caused damage in my throat.

This has caused problems ever since, and have slowly got worse with the severity over time. I have had referrals in the past for specialists, but little investigation has been done.

I have insisted my doctors do a full blood screen to check my white blood cells, my mum was diagnosed with cancer at 42, I'm 33 and have been a smoker since the age of 9.

I am on medical cannabis as I have used this from a young age and now I'm under a clinic as in all my years its the only thing to help with my BPD, I also have ADHD and so as many of you probably know, very busy brain 🧠

Part of me feels like the worst person in the world, but I'm hoping that I have a bad diagnosis, ans that and end will finally be in sight for me.

There's every chance with the problems I have, and being a heavy smoker, that this is cancer. I can't and never will unalive myself because I know how it feels to lose a parent in such a way. I fought so hard to not traumatise my children, but my brain will quite often tell me I'm going to traumatise them being so sad so often!

I always make sure to tell them they've not made me upset etc, I try and reassure them all the time that they make my life infinitely better (aka I would of offskied long ago if it weren't for them) but quite a shamefully large part of me is hopeful that soon it might all be over.

As you all know, it feels as though life is never going to be easy or smooth for me. It hasn't been thus far and I doubt it'll change course. I just would like a bit of reassurance/support, as I've not really told anyone how bad it might be or the tests I'm having. So I'm seemingly alone in it all