I'm in my early 20s, dealing with BPD and a lot of self awareness that sometimes keeps me up at night. I really don't know what I'm doing sometimes from the past few years.

I feel it getting worse.

Last week I ended up pushing my first ever girlfriend away because of my BPD and my thoughts that were going to eat me up if I didn't do something about it. I realized it now and I regret it so much. Even though our relationship was very casual for her and I was taking things too intensely. I ended up ending things, and it was so hard for me not to keep contradicting. I ended up apologizing for every word I uttered yet she thinks I'm a terrible person and it's so hard for me to live with something like that knowing I gave my 100% and was always careful about accidentally acting out. BPD won this time and I couldn't help but be someone to her that I even don't recognize.

All the things I did for us just mean nothing now. All my efforts. She'll never get back with me.

I have been looking for therapists for this, the local ones haven't been helpful at all and I actively work on myself, I'm always so careful about hurting others. I don't know what happens to me. It's so hard not to get triggered with things.

If anyone of you understands my situation please leave some kind words, I have so much self hate for me. I won't be able to continue like this.