I'm really sorry to be posting this here, where people usually comes asking for support, and where I'd wish I could always be a supportive user. I'm really sorry if this triggers anyone, I'll try to make this post easier.

I feel drained everyday, I don't even have the strenght to have a "normal life", and feels like CPTSD will never go away. It's been almost 10 years on meds, I turned 30 this year, and while I might get somehow momentarily distracted, the more I think, the more issues come up (even when they're stupid) I don't wanna stay here, I feel like I can't stay longer, feels like everything is so so so much more than I can handle. My partner doesn't make me happy. I love my daughter with my whole soul, but I see I'm just another problem in her life. Having your mother crying for hours in the room next to yours, is definitely not what a teenager needs. She needs a happy life. My partner is not her dad and, luckily, she doesn't need to see him now. We're in court after almost 2 years for reasons I'd prefer not to say here.

Everything feels harder. Both the current issues and everything in my past that I don't believe can be healed anymore.

I'm coming back to therapy next Tuesday after 3 weeks without having any appointments, and I'm afraid I might mask as I usually do. When I'm there, I usually go in like "it's okay, had some arguments with my partner but I don't feel bad", later that week, or even that same day, I realise I can't say "I'm okay" when I attempted suicide less than a week ago. Happens often, and everything I go to bed wishing I will never wake up again.

It's been almost 10 years since I started visiting my psychiatrist and checking which meds could work, but this particular matter is not changing. I feel like this is all for me.