I’m diagnosed BPD (quiet type) and I have basically been chasing a man that I now believe is emotionally unavailable or possibly has AVPD. I’m a nurse and I met him at work. I felt instantly attracted to him and had all eyes on him whenever I saw him. After a while we happened to connect on instagram, I commented on one of his stories and after that we quickly started talking and I found out he was attracted to me too. The sex is incredible, the intimacy is incredible. I have never felt so attracted to someone. We have been talking every day, and I mean EVERY SINGLE DAY since April of this year. But we have no labels. He is extremely attractive and I originally thought I was being played and wasting my time. Here is why I think he’s emotionally unavailable:

1. He very rarely opens up or shares details about himself. Even when specifically asking open-ended questions, I feel like he gives very short responses. It’s difficult to find out how he feels about something. Even his facial expressions sometimes feel blank or unaffected—he rarely shows emotion. I don’t get the impression he has social anxiety, but he is quiet. Aside from the hospital, he’s a personal trainer and has done some modeling. There are girls that will obviously hit on him but he never entertains them.

2. We have never been on a date. He doesn’t seem to like to make plans. I’ve been very direct since the beginning, he knows I’m into him and I’ve even asked to take him out. I’ve tried to ask what we are; does he want to date? Are we just fucking? I am fine with either answer, I just want to know what we’re doing here. He completely avoids the topic. I thought maybe he just isn’t that into me. But he says things sometimes that make me think he’s jealous—he became more distant than usual for a few days and after poking and prodding he says “you know what I noticed? You were talking to [coworker] last time we worked and I noticed you look at him the same way you look at me.” I was only being friendly and chatting with a friend. When I talk about plans with friends or something I did over the weekend, if I didn’t mention the gender of the friend (she/he) a couple times he’s asked if it’s a guy. I suspected and I did find out he had two past partners that cheated on him. I’ve gotten the feeling he’s depressed and some things he’s shared made me think he had a dysfunctional upbringing.

3. On the rare occasion he does show emotion/ intimacy, his smile is so intoxicating. He’ll wrap himself around me and hold me close. He’ll give me a massage after work. He randomly cooks and brings me food and will always come find me if he knows I’m working. After sex we took a shower together and he’ll wash me down and do my hair. He had to go out of town one weekend but he made sure to stop by to quickly pick me up and give me a kiss before he left. I get mixed messages about what he wants and if he’s into me. But without fail, he texts me every single day and always responds. If I started to pull away after thinking he’s uninterested and I don’t text him, he checks up on me and asks what’s wrong. It is so hard to get information out of him that after practically torturing information out of him, he will share how he feels and then his actions and behavior make sense. I looked up emotionally unavailable symptoms and he matches them to a T.

Obviously with BPD we over share our feelings and love intensely. I’m not sure how to go about this. Has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable?