I’m a quiet bpd and I absolutely hate it when he goes out but I don’t say anything so I end up crying the entire night that he’s out.

For context, we are LDR for a year and I can say that his love for me is genuine. He reassures me and accepted my condition whole-heartedly. He even offered to be my support even if some “really fucked up reason” (his words) we break up. He said he’ll never leave me and abandon me.

But I can’t help and feel worried every-time he’s out. He’s a bit older than me but we’re both legal consenting adults. He had MILES more experience than me because of his peculiar upbringing (got into some bad influences… talking hard drugs, alcohol, partying, hookups, at a younger age than most ppl). I’ve accepted that part of him and he’s not the same as he used to. He’s committed to the relationship and wants it to be his last. Obviously, he still goes to parties, clubs, and raves since that’s been his lifestyle, and his circle of closest friends are ravers.

Me on the other hand, complete opposite. Young, inexperienced, introverted, and anxious. I feel jealous and bitter, even scared to meet his friends because I’m worried I’ll be ignored and shunned. I don’t want to be treated and seen as little.

I’m not trying to be a controlling girlfriend of any kind, but I know that rolling (Xs) or other type of drugs make you super lovey-dovey. He told me he used to rave with this one long time female friend and all their experiences together while on a conversation about his past. I know he meant well, but I was trying not to explode inside. I keep thinking at what could’ve happened between them or any other girls he’s seen at these events (especially with the way they dress). My extreme self insecurities is not helping with that at all. I’m very short and chubby.

This is what worries me. He still rolls whenever he goes to festivals and raves, and I’m just hoping he doesn’t do something with another female that catches his eyes. How do I deal with feeling like this all the time?