Given i have had mental health issues since a young girl I am always quick to assume everything is my fault, "i am bad" , it's me.l etc. While family members never have to address their behaviour because im their perfect scapegoat.

I am an adult female in my 40's. am i right to feel hurt, rejected, abandoned to have found out via text message that My parents (who i have a great relationship with) will be spending xmas with my brothers family who dislikes me? they know i live alone etc

I had asked them regularly over the last six months what they would like to do for christmas day this year to which they continued to brush off saying "we'll work it out closer to the date". I since found out they agreed to spend the day with my brother (he and i are estranged) over six months ago and they only told me via text yesterday as i asked them to commit to a lunch booking i wanted to make. To give you some backstory i haven't had a family christmas in 5 years due to this issue with my brother. I really hoped this year they may consider spending it with me. I feel rejected, unworthy, unlovable and of course second best to my sibling. I interpreted that my feelings weren't taken into consideration etc. My family rely on my wealthy older brother for financial reasons and i can see how they don't want to cause issues with him. But i feel very let down, abandoned and unloved.

Am i right to feel this way? or is this my "mental illness".

I'm starting to think this is not me. That in fact their actions are hurtful and anyone else would feel ostracised also. But for some reason i'm not allowed to have any emotion without being made to feel guilty.

I have not reacted with any impulsive or reactive behaviour. Instead, i've felt paralysed with sadness and shame that I am worthless and not important.

How would you handle this? I notice i've made a habit of personalising shitty behaviour and somehow making it about myself worth. My brother is clearly abusive and controlling and i have accepted that, but in these moments i think i gaslight myself instead of seeing all this for what it really is.