I'm in a very bad roughest patch of my life. The pain is killing me inside. I had a panic attack at my university today and I had to hide to stop myself being a public joke. But when I come home it felt like I'd suffocate and die. I'm repeating the same mistakes, the same patterns. A years back, My father wanted to leave us for a while and I distanced myself to stop myself from being extremely hurt. But it hurt. Now my SO, wants to go to foreign country for better job opportunities. Mind you we are just committed. But it just hurts to much to see him go. I don't want to be a hinderence between his goals and him but it's crushing me inside. What do I do? I have talked about my feelings enough and how I rely on him but never openly. He doesn't know I have bpd and I don't want to become my disorders for him. Mind you he knows how much I depend upon him, and he is doing it for our future but it feels like my world would flip if he leaves. And now if he doesn't leave, I will never be able to forgive myself. Is it really a never ending cycle? What's the best option for me? Please please I need help and answers