The last year was a bit of a nightmare. Long story short I had a very bad breakup and just collapsed in on myself. It’s definitely been a process of getting better but the last few weeks I’ve really started to see how I cause a lot of my problems myself.

It started when I was getting really anxious I was going to get fired from my job. I was completely convinced everyone was out to get me and I was doomed. I wasn’t. I started thinking about it and realizing everyone was telling me I was doing great and everything was fine, but I just told myself they’re lying they’re going to screw me over. It’s those thoughts however that are the reason for things not going well. It’s like I’ve told myself “no. This is what’s happening” and I’ve sabotaged to make it happen.

That’s grown the last while to the point I can see how much unhealthy thinking has caused a lot of crap. I blamed the breakup for how my life was, but honestly it was like this before I even met them. I don’t know why but it just feels like a switch has gone off and I’ve realized of course they never came back. I got cheated on and lost my mind. They did a lot of shitty things but I was deranged. I don’t know why I thought anyone would come back to that. It seems so obvious to me that of course they just moved on. Looked after themselves. Focused on work. Met new people. Had something new in their life. I spent the whole time drinking almost very night trying to block things out. Hoping things would just go back. It feels now like I just made it so much worse by standing still. I can’t blame anyone else for this. These are my actions. Looking back now I feel embarrassed because I’ve been hiding away making things worse rather than just get a grip. It worries me thinking what else am I doing I don’t realize. I can’t trust my own thoughts and feel like I have a lot of shit to sort out for myself that I’ve just let fester