I really don’t know where to start or what to do. I’ve been repeating the same destructive behaviors for over a year now. Nothing is working or helps. I pretty much gave up on myself. I have always had BPD, but over this past year is the worst it has ever been. I’ve hurt those around me so many times, I can’t forgive myself for making my sister cry so many times. I have never yelled at anyone in my life until this past year. I can’t count how many times I have lashed out at my parents and sister. I hear them cry for me because they know I’ve given up on myself and they don’t know how to help me. I’ve been abusing alcohol as well, I pretty much black out every time I drink. I become belligerent and be out of control. I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t like who I am. All I have been feeling is anger, emptiness, and sadness. All of this started when three back to back life shifting events happened to me and I couldn’t process them all at once. I just feel so embarrassed and alone and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like no one understands how I am feeling. I’m afraid of myself. I’m reaching out on here to see if anyone has any supportive advice and words to help me feel less alone. I don’t want to keep hurting my family and myself.