Have already gone through abandonment before

January I met my best and only friend we talked throughout summer and it was fun and the only happy summer of my entir life I didn’t wanna Kms

When september started they suddenly stopped talking as much n left me on read a lot, And I had a hard time and kept asking if I was a burden to talk to etc cuz it made my an abandonment anxiety go crazy

they said no they were just busy and that they don’t want me to vent without warning anymore and I agreed to that boundary, they said I could hang out with them if I was free

So this weekend we talked for a while and it made me happy cuz it was like reassurance that i wouldn’t be abandoned ; I asked if they were free n they left me on read for 3 days

I asked today morning if they were just busy and if I was bothering them

Checked at evening and they blocked me and said I was annoying

Idk what to do I literally want a Kms I already cut and shut idk what to do everything I do is wrong. If I don’t talk they leave if I talk then it’s too clingy and desperate thy said everything would be fine but it’s hot it’s over I wanna Kms even though I don’t have a plan I alrwady talked to a hotline but idek I hate muslef so much I wanna Kms I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live