Last year my psychiatrist finally realized what's wrong with me after I checked into the psychward in a bad state, and diagnosed me with BPD.

My partner and I have been together for over 5 years. I've always had some dramatic moodswings but after having gone through some very difficult situations in the last year my symptoms have become worse and my medications aren't working properly. I haven't been able to see my doctor in 4 months, I was supposed to see him last month but it got rescheduled and everything just kind of went to shit. I got super paranoid and sensitive to everything. I don't feel very intimite with my partner anymore, he doesn't really initiate hugs or kisses ever but does initiate sex. I've had an extremely low libido for a couple of years due to some trauma.

Lately I've become obsessed and furious over something that he was lying about, it doesn't really matter what it is, but it (my moods and his "thing") is probably stemming from very busy lives, very little energy and a lack of connection. And during a discussion the other day I asked if he would be willing to find an alternative outlet, while I got my head together. He said that he would do that. He has lied about this before so two days later I got this gut feeling. I feel awful and disgusted at myself but I looked through his phone and found proof that he had broken that promise. I couldn't express my feelings because I didn't want to explode all over him (I do a lot of internalizing) so I was walking around the house in half a panic attack trying not to show him how angry was. This has been my reality for the past couple of weeks so he tried to comfort me but didn't think anything else of it. I lost control, cut and after a quick trip to the hospital I decided I was finally calm enough to confront him. At first he apologized, said he would respect my boundries. But then things blew up, he told me how exhausted he is from supporting me, always being scared I'll SH, hates how low my self esteem is and finally explained his issues with touching in general. And I feel like an idiot. I've been so incredibly self centered, and I'm pretty sure he is preparing to leave me.

I have some severe abandonment- and rejection issues I've tried working on. I'm currently not in any talk therapy (system is clogged and PPs are very expensive). But I've created a plan for limiting my expenses to afford a therapist twice a month for the forseeable future and also come up with a plan to limit the burden on him as my emotional support person. I love this man so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't want to lose him.

Should I present this plan to him before he has the chance to formally break up with me or should I just let it go and let him go? I feel extremely guilty for putting this burden on him.