I am so tired of living with this disorder. It is mentally and physically draining, and I feel like today has been one of the lowest moments I've felt in a while. I have a pit in my stomach and I can feel it aching every now and then. I've been trying to take steps to be a better person, but I have a long road.

The main thing for me, is learning to control my emotions better. My friendships and relationships with other people have been suffering greatly, because of my mood swings and constant fear of abandonment, feeling like nobody cares about me or loves me. It is so exhausting, and I am so tired of it, and I am sure that everyone else around me is tired of it. I've isolated myself from so many people in my life because I just feel like they don't care about me, they don't really want me around or they actually just plain dislike me. I've tried to reach out for help before and not really received any support or response back, so this has only heightened my feeling of being unloved. All I want in life is to feel special and loved. It's all I want. And yet, when people DO tell me that they care about me and they value me in their lives - it's just never enough. It never fills that void in my heart. And at this point I'm not sure what would. The only thing that can fill that void is the idea of this dream life of mine that I keep fantasising about. I want to live in that world so bad, but I know it's just a dream. I am sure I could perhaps one day achieve it - not necessarily in the exact way I want it to be, but I could be close enough to reaching it... but it's just not achievable right now. Not whilst I am working at this minimum wage job and with my mental state being the way that it is.

My relationship with my FP is suffering too. Recently, they've been telling me how needy I am and how I am and they wish that I would tone it down. But again, it's the fear of abandonment. I am so petrified of them leaving me, that I will do ANYTHING to stop it from happening. I have to seek reassurance almost constantly, I message them frequently and I always ask them to hang out with me. God, I know it must be so overwhelming for them. They always tell me they won't abandon me, that they do like me and that they do think I'm lovely and I'm special to them in their life, but again, it's the void in my heart just never being filled, no matter how much they do or say. I've noticed they've been a little more distant with me recently and it kills me inside. It makes me even more needy. It makes everything worse. I just can't deal with it. I'm destroying my relationship with them and I just can't help myself. I feel like a terrible, evil person, because the last thing I'd EVER want to do is make my FP unhappy or sad. They are so special to me, and all I want is to just be happy with them and spend time together. But because of my BPD, I'm just making everything worse all the time.

For example, I asked them if we could talk on the phone the other night, but they said they didn't really want to, and it broke me. I cried so much. But why?! Because rationally, I get it! I don't always want to talk to people, even if they're someone I really care about and love spending time with. I'm a big introvert and I value my alone time and space. But with BPD, it's like I instantly jump to the worst conclusions and assume that they just don't want to spend time with me, they hate me, they don't like me anymore, they're hanging out with their other friends and it's all my fault. Like how did I even jump from A to Z so quickly?!

I just can't deal with living like this anymore. I just don't want to live like this. I don't want to keep pushing people away and I don't want to lose my FP. But this disorder has ruined so many things for me. I hate it. I've always tried my best in life. At school I always worked so hard and perfomed very well academically, I've managed to achieve really amazing things that I previously never thought I'd be able to do, I can make friends easily with people no matter where I go, and I am good at my hobbies and the things that I am passionate about. But hard work and being a good person doesn't guarantee you good things in life. Certain traumatic events in my life have made me this way and it breaks my heart when I think about it. I was just a child. A literal child. I didn't deserve to experience the stuff that I experienced. Now I have to live fearing abandonment for the rest of my life and constantly being on high alert.

I just want to get better. I want to stop hurting my FP and pushing people away. I want to be able to make other people happy, I want to be able to achieve my dreams, I want to make myself and other people proud. But I just don't know how. I can't see a way out of this. I know I am going to have to live with these emotions forever. Unfortunately for me, I work a minimum wage job at the moment (although I am looking for a new one) so therapy isn't an option at the moment. If you managed to read all of this - thank you. I appreciate you so much. And wishing you all a lovely day. <3