Since coming back from a trip to North Carolina that was a vacation but ended up taking a gloomy toll on my mental state, I’ve felt almost completely detached from everything since returning. Nothing is anchoring me down. Tooth broke (past of substance abuse disorder with IV syringes that has resulted in dry mouth, weak tooth enamel..usually causes a severe breakdown to a point I feel it physically exploding out of my chest. Broke literally one of my front four teeth clean off almost, haven’t even been that ashamed. Dipped into recreational drug use for excitement, found none. Dipped into sex, didn’t want it. Friendship currently in my orbit are here and I’m grateful but so many are missing and I’m just indifferent. I’m reflecting on days that have just happened and feeling occasional bits of secondhand embarrassment and that’s about the most of it. I’m scared how this state will reflect in my decision making and the importance I place or don’t into things. I’m scared for me. I turn 30 in a few weeks and I feel like I am rotting, decaying at more advanced stages than my peers, burnt out and absolutely no form of self love or confidence or esteem just acceptance. I am. I guess. Usually a relapse or something brakes this cycle but it didn’t this time. What could be a bigger disruption? I couldn’t sleep (most nights struggle my room is so fucking hot now that it’s summer in FL I literally have three fans and it’s not ever enough. These are my thoughts I’m stuck with right now. It’ll pass.. ya?