I just got out of a long term relationship where kink and bdsm featured heavily in our sex life, I'm in my 30s and it was the most sexually satisfied I have ever been. The first time we had sex it was 12/10 and only got better from there. We had all my favorite shit: impact and restraint, sensory play, being collared and leashed, breeding kink, even dabbling in some light cnc, it was so fucking good. Unfortunately the relationship was not emotionally a safe one for me, she wasn't a very consistent partner and would cancel plans, lie to me about things, just overall was not a very reliable person to be dating. But I loved her so much and we still do love each other, I just had to love myself and throw up some boundaries and say that I deserve to be treated better than that even if the sex is fucking amazing.

I've started dating a new person and it's a PROFOUNDLY emotionally safe relationship. She's mature, in therapy, has good boundaries, willing to tell me "no," has done a ton of work on herself and is ready for the kind of life things I'm looking for like long term partnership, kids, property ownership, etc. It's only been a couple of months and I can definitively say I'm in love. She's great.

However, she's not very experienced with women and she would describe herself as "off color vanilla" lol. She's theoretically interested in kink/bdsm but only the lightest things, anytime I've mentioned anything beyond like, hand restraints, she's chaffed or laughed it off or said no way. I have a drawer and closet full of my toy arsenal and she doesn't even like to look at it. She also just has a lower sex drive than me which is interesting because I've ALWAYS been the partner with the lower sex drive but she's even lower than me.

However, the sex that we do have even though it's not kinky is so good and sweet! It's mutually pleasurable, playful, fun, and sweet. She loves to make out for an hour and not even have sex and I forgot how much fun that is and I love it. I'm just reallllllllly starting to miss the roughness and taboo-ness of the sex I used to have. Subspace was my favorite, like in my last relationship I was SO fucking subby, and I'm doubting she will ever want that kind of sex. I'm wondering if it's something to just adjust to or if it's something worth expressing to her that I really miss that or if it's going to make her feel inadequate which to be clear she's not. She's hot as hellllllll and I'm so attracted to her.

Has anybody else been able to get to the place where kink/bdsm is in fantasy land and watching it in porn is enough to sustain you? Or if you had to have this conversation with a loved one how did it go?