“#online start, sort of” – because I make no promises of too much of an online D/s dynamic (beyond talking about EVERYTHING LDR for a while). Also, it's Eastern (right next to Central) Europe.

A-not-quite-TL:DR (because you shouldn’t go by those for things like this): very honest, somewhat socially impaired, super inexperienced, somewhat selfish (but as little as possible with the partner, who should be the same), aspiring dom looking for his (hopefully) forever relationship with someone that would submit (only in the bedroom) almost completely, mainly because it’s the most arousing, comfortable, pleasant thing she can imagine, but only to someone she trusts and that has a similar vision for their sex life (leaning on the light side of things, gentle but sometimes firm and without too much structure, but in high quantity, and with some – possibly a lot - surrender of control).

P.S. I sort of suck, by choice, at being a responsible adult for anything above the minimum level AND as a result I’m…technically broke AND have a lot of free time that we could enjoy (mostly at home).

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I’ve been struggling with “perfecting” an ad for too long and this is the “butchered” 3333 word “short” version, not a lot less disappointing than the ~6200 one.

Rationally, by thinking of an "average" of what people (women in my case) are looking for, I’m not sure how likely it is that who I’m looking for will say yes to me (if she even exists), at least in the forever, in person, way (which is what I’d like).

Quote obsession is acting up again: “Knowing that my case was hopeless, I learned in my own person what Master Malrubius had once impressed on me when I was a child: that hope is a psychological mechanism unaffected by external realities. I was young and adequately fed; I was permitted to sleep and therefore I hoped.” The title of where that’s from (“The Shadow of the Torturer”) would also make it clever…if only I was into pain or at least (long term) denial…alas, I have other ideas.

Downsides (?):

• I’m short (bit under 1.68m), skinny (under 60kg) with dad bod signs around the waist, balding (think James Spader in Blacklist, even if I have long hair atm), possibly mediocre voice and accent.
• I’m a specific kind of lazy: my minimalist lifestyle and life plan include (for now) living on very little money that doesn’t come from a job (but from renting) - meaning the most I’ll be providing on that front, besides taking care of myself, is a free place for us to live in. I also have no career desires (even if I’m educated).
• I don’t care about traveling (actively dislike it, I think, except maybe some mountain trip vacations). I have “hated” going out most of my life (having the proper company might change this SLIGHTLY and only for certain “just the two of” type of things).
• I don’t really care about clothing or style or fashion. I’m like the Doctor…pick one outfit and wear that for 900 years.
• I’m socially awkward of sorts, sexually inexperienced, AND never practiced BDSM. I can’t even say I’ve intentionally read tons of “guides” about it either, yet, but if we end up talking you’ll figure out what kind of decent, caring, not rule or protocol or punishment oriented, with equal interest in the partner’s pleasure (and safety and well-being), patient dom I want to and can quickly become.
• My idea of a happy relationship (activity wise when together) is mostly limited to…”hanging out”/spending time indoors where we would share responsibilities (unless I do most of the house related stuff), talk (about anything and everything), binge watch/read/game different things, cuddle, sleep and sometimes cook together, and engage in an absurdly high (probably hedonistic level) amount of very naughty things (with a certain progression curve up to the “final” version that we’re both happy with, no jumping into things)…repeat “ad nauseam”. No, really, my main idea of outside fun is walks, with hand holding, to the corner supermarket…or slow evening/night walks...or the occasional fast food and movie combo.

Upsides (?):

• Zero lying (think Lucifer, or Sam Harris). It’s a whole thing for me…and you’ll most likely have to want and agree to something similar.
• “Infinite” amount of free time. If you ever wondered what’s it like to never be ignored (although effort may vary online, but not from lack of interest), to get practically instant replies (even if the online thing can’t last TOO long), and you love attention, I’m PROBABLY a gold mine.
• I’m very patient with anything (if I think the potential is there and/or I have good reasons to) which means your experience (in any area) is not relevant AS LONG AS you are certain enough about what you want (or what you are willing to explore and a good guess on outcomes).
• I’ve been told I’m a good friend (mostly online to be fair) that people can be themselves around (without being/feeling judged), and that I’m good at analyzing people, and “have lots of theoretical knowledge”.
• Communication will be great (might require some patience), this includes being a good listener.
• I’m not possessive or controlling (the typically bad kind) but I do want you to be “mine”.
• I don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs (or weed), don’t even “do” coffee (oh no, I’ve probably said too much again :)), so many people seem to care about this enough that it might belong in downsides).

If you’re leaning towards being insecure, or clingy, or needy (I don’t like the word), shy, awkward, maybe not the best conversationalist (I don’t even know what to talk about with friends sometimes, and sometimes it gets...tiring), lacking experience, anxious, those are not serious downsides (if at all). The only (I think) rule about most of these is that, after we’ve talked for a bit, you are direct (and very honest) about it…constantly (for example asking, as often as you need to, if we’re still good instead of silently worrying about it, whatever and however small “it” may be).

If you finish reading this whole thing and are worried you don’t fit but sort of wish you did (or maybe that I did a little better), this is the reminder to ask about it. I don’t bite…for the first few months (that’s mostly a joke, not really into that…maybe an occasional nibble).

I’m looking for an all-in-one:

• best friend
• someone I can, want to, and think it’s a good idea to love (the last one is the more complicated one #overthinkerproblems)
• submissive with highly compatible kinks
• life partner (this feels like overstating it a bit, but not duration-wise) / forever flat mate / long-term loved and loving relationship half that genuinely thinks she can be happy with me and with this sort of relationship
• equal in the relationship (although this doesn’t exclude the possibility, even if it’s not my preference, of some D/s power exchange extending outside the bedroom, if you want or need it that way)

Things that can never happen:

• children (of any kind, ever, for any reason)
• legal or religious marriage (agnostic atheist that doesn’t care or even actively dislikes the idea of paperwork for a relationship, it would be best, maybe even required, if you were the same since I don’t want you feeling like you gave up things for me)

Things that probably won’t happen (or not for a long time):

• me relocating (unless it’s financially feasible for me to not be here…which is more complicated)

This location issue is probably the only thing that I consider to not be...fair. Besides that I don’t want/expect/hope/require anything more than I’m willing (and able) to give, at any level (but in some areas I’m not everyone’s cup of tea as you can see).

“Requirements” (and actual requirements, it's a bit of a mix - with spoiler tags for some explaining):

• over 18, under 37>! but the closer to my age the better in some ways. I don't want to "hold back" anyone, you can’t “drop” everything for this, unless you were already somehow planning to while still being financially independent. We could always try to be the next GirlfriendReviews…or BoyfriendReviews :D…but, since I need stories in my entertainment, I’m probably not watching you play 100h of things like Animal Crossing…unless you are mostly naked for most of it ;)!<
• you HAVE to be introverted. “Introvert couple that can’t get enough of each other’s company (not always deep conversations, sometimes comfortable silence, often with some D/s aspect present) but everything/everyone else could vanish in nuclear fallout and it would barely matter” is my best case scenario. INTP (like me) for the "perfect" case. Ever been happy/content just being around someone? Looking for my (and would be best if it was yours as well) exception from: “He did not understand – and now he never will – that I am content here. There are few places in all the realms that offer a Jaghut peace, or, rather, such peace as we are capable of achieving. Unlike your kind, we yearn for solitude, for that is our only safety.”
• you must like and want to be wanted, a lot *(not sexual)*Leaving it vague for length, but if we get to a point where I do think it’s a good idea to love you, and you agree, I’ll probably become quite…obsessed, with all of you, in an as healthy way as that is possible :))
• you should have a pretty (very, even) high sex drive because in the ideal outcome you will be wanted, played with, and “taken” sexually, a lot (it mostly HAS to be that way BUT I’m unlikely to want to do it if you’re just going along with it…so imagine yourself wanting daily sex, if not more, on average, with other related things happening as well)
• you probably CAN’T be service oriented. I am not looking for a maid or “mother”, it’s possible I could use both but I won’t have either so, if you need that to be happy, it’s likely to be problematic (normal-ish levels of caring and suggestions and help, both ways, are good). If anything I’ll be the maid (unless you have way too high standards of order/cleanliness of house) :))
• you almost certainly CAN’T be a regular smoker
• you probably can’t be too much of a masochist>! (if this matters to you but the rest seems to fit, ask me), but it would be better if you had, however slightly, a bit more of it than I have of sadism (which is little…maybe even zero because for me it’s never about the light pain/discomfort that might be present)!<
• intelligence, reading, gaming, binge watching, dirty mind, loving the idea of having the odd day (or regular weekend) be closer to but still not quite TPE, and being ok with some (probably slight) daddy tendencies…all are likely to be a major plus (if not outright requirements, like the first 2 or 3)
• be ok with separate finances since I’m likely to be the one earning less and I'm not comfortable with any other versions. You need to be financially independent at the absolute minimum level; the realistic but maybe unlikely dream is working from home. If I can (read as “want to”) ever do more than keeping myself alive plus free housing in my current place(s) for us I would
• you don’t have to be thin, or average (or short for that matter), however great that might be for me, and you definitely shouldn’t think there’s a limit at under my own physical measurements (somewhere above). However, you’ll remember I’m small, and while you already shouldn’t expect me lifting you, it would be great, mostly for practical reasons, if there aren’t huge differences in build/height. Tiny “note” that I also do prefer similar heights and small sizes on…everything really (yes, I’m that “small boobs yay!” type). If you’re taller it’s ok BUT only if you are not bothered by it. Also, if you’re the type that can’t stand reading about physical aspect preferences (even when they aren’t a major factor and it would mean ignoring a lot of other things about me or that I said )…that would likely be a problem.

The kink:

This section, while it has some negotiable aspects - mostly about frequency and intensity of specific things - does contain possible deal breakers. It’s also important you’re not the type that thinks that having certain requirements about the sexual side of things is incompatible with also wanting (and caring), very much, (about) the romantic/connection side of things (weird and indoors-y as that might look for me).

You should be very interested in, turned on by, and want (at least):

• free use (being a broad term, my version requires a wall of text, it would have “rules”/limits)
• light bondage, anal play & sex, deep throat (what I imagine for all of these is overall gentle, but I’m sufficiently adaptable to the partner’s preferences)
• power exchange elements (possibly quite a lot of but only about the sex and some sex related things – including the occasional dynamic reinforcement choice, unless you ask me for more)
• safe sex without condoms (could be on my end, and obviously this is only far enough into…everything)

I’m great at respecting boundaries in all areas (if you express them clearly), and things don’t have to fit from the start but keep in mind I’m looking for a relationship where we will both have, after full trust and enough time, the final boundaries and limits in around the same place…and where neither of us wants to go anyway. With the mention that a lot of my soft limits depend a lot on the partner, and that I’m willing to very patiently “train” and/or get you (and/or myself) to associate pleasure with certain things you (or I) might currently not be all that excited about BUT only if you don’t hate them, you agree (and we know from the start), and they aren’t in your hard limits. I’m not going to ask or push anyone to “move” hard limits, with time, which is part of why I’m…pro full disclosure and/or seemingly “shopping list” type of ads.

“We are all lone souls. It pays to know humility, lest the delusion of control, of mastery, overwhelms. And indeed, we seem a species prone to that delusion, again and ever again . . .”

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I’m not into age play and age regression, and generally not into anything that involves pretending to be something we are not. You can enjoy cartoons, like coloring, love being washed (sometimes, maybe frequently), but I doubt I can “deal” with actual little space (both in my enjoying of it and with the extra steps and responsibility of a different type that it comes with).

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The more important the sexual side (and the D/s and power exchange aspect) is to you the better. However, your preferences do have to be rather on the light side (or at least more about the mental aspect and surrendering some control) because I’m NOT big on complex rope play, permanent protocol, actual punishments, hard impact play, 24/7 TPE. That said, most of those aren’t off the table if you want to try or already know you need some, it probably just can’t be the norm (and you would likely have to be extra patient before any of those) and it could be a “mostly for her” thing (but that I could probably still enjoy).

If you think you’ll need the safe word often (there’s always at least one, non-negotiable), or prefer to be constantly pushed to having to use it, you’re very likely imagining different things than I am (simply because most of the time, except in few agreed upon instances, “no” will mean exactly “no”). Even in my few, light, spontaneous CNC fantasies, if they even count as that, I don’t imagine (or want, or like) much resisting from the sub (and in general I’d rather not cross even into our soft limits, even after discussing it at length, which is why the “highly compatible kinks” thing).

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I’m not specifically into the whole being visibly respectful thing, or strict discipline, or forms of address so you might (and there’s room for discussion here) have to become very flexible (mentally :D) to deal with quick shifts from authoritatively asking the boyfriend to do something (non-sexual, or sexual – but with possible fun “consequences”) to your most sexually submissive state for the dom side. I’m think I’m hoping for a rare(?) mix between an averagely assertive partner, who can and does suggest and ask for things (even sexual) in the relationship, that also “happens” to be very sexually submissive but does this mostly for herself in a more direct way (it’d be great if you didn’t have much of the “I’m ALL about his pleasure” thing). Then again, the way things would look like in practice won’t differ much based on reasons, so don’t let that worry you (I just need to know which it is and WHY).

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Hard limits: needles, knives, scat, public (that can be seen), illegal, permanent, group, emotional sadism, (POSSIBLY) degradation (or most of if, since I’m not interested in intentionally doing things designed to make her feel bad about herself, even short term, even if she’s the one asking – I’m at least not going to ask to do this, even if it might be a soft limit). There are more…and the soft limits (some that are very close to being hard)…and more of that would give you a much better idea about what I would be like… but this is the short version.

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Short version also means no going into details about butt plugs, baths, spankings, hugs from behind that frequently evolve into other things, some kneeling, collars, cuddling, cuffs, staying inside you after finishing, funishments, occasional clothing restrictions (for certain rooms, if not cold, sometimes), touching, oral (both ways), grabbing, some CNC play, blindfolds, my being open to some parts of pet play, kissing, the “possibility” to ask for orgasms at any time you’d like and get them, aftercare, etc. Ask about any of it, if it’s after enough time I might even type you stories, or ask quickly if you need to know to make up your mind.

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Now I’m worrying I’ve cut (or didn't add to begin with) too many things from this version. More things about myself, details about what I like reading (it’s mostly fiction, also extra points if you know where my username is derived from, or can place the last two quotes). I (no longer) have any…special hobbies. If we hit it off (ugh…this phrasing) moving to Discord first would be preferable (but we’ll figure something out).

I’m also somewhat open to online friends (still F only, for now) but we probably won’t be doing too much talking about sex if it’s just that…even if I could probably use the “practice”…but I usually don’t “feel” it (or even like doing it) when it’s casual flirting or whatever – oh no…I might be partially demisexual…noooooooooooo (insert Michael Scott gif here).

At the same time I don’t want to waste your time or feelings (or even my feelings, my time being less of a concern) so, the sooner we figure out if there are deal breakers for the possible relationship side the better. Basically, extra points if you’re very direct relatively soon after we start talking…and forever really.

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Use direct messages (not chat) to say “hi”, it doesn’t have to be too long a thing, just make it…clear enough about what you hope/want from me and/or what questions you have and a little (or a lot :)) about you.

Since I don’t expect this to get that many replies (if any), I will respond to everyone for at least the first week after posting it (could take a bit, including due to my erratic sleep schedule, but I will).