Hi There!

This is a little different than what's usually out there. I want to be super extremely upfront as much as possible, which leads to a longer-than-normal post.

I have spent the last 2 years in an on-and-off relationship with a fearful avoidant. If you aren't familiar with attachment styles, that basically means that my life was an emotional rollercoaster, flip flopping between getting love bombed and chasing someone who discarded me like I meant nothing to her.

It was a very difficult, and at times abusive, relationship. But in the process I have learned a lot about myself, what I need in a partner and relationship, and what I want. And now, after I have finally reached my own personal closure that it is really done forever, I am deeply motivated to find someone who is a better fit for me.

Although bullet points are not fancy, they are efficient. I've organized this in bullet points so you can quickly decide if you are interested in me.

Let's start with goals and what we are looking for in a relationship.

My Goals (Things I am looking for in a Relationship):

• to chat every day, sometimes for hours, about both serious topics and stupid topics. I strongly prefer real time chatting over 'leaving messages'.
• to relax and be free to be ourselves with one another, comfortable and judgment-free, acting or even becoming best friends
• to frequently send each other funny memes, videos and shorts, and pictures of our daily lives
• to be vulnerable with each other. I want to know your stressors, fears, worries, past, and insecurities. And, I want you to know mine too. We should offer each other both emotional support and do problem solving together.
• to make plans with each other - small plans like "let's watch that movie over the weekend!", and big plans like meeting the family / big trips

Things I don't want in a relationship:

• No short term, FWB, not a situationship, not a sugar relationship
• Not a penpal - I want to meet in person within a month.
• No games! No push and pull dynamics, no "chase", no "should I text him/her?" (the answer is always yes), no "shit tests"
• No mind reading. Tell me what you want, I'll tell you what I want, and done. Easy peasy.
• Jealousy and stupid fights over pointless nothing

What I think makes a Relationship a Good One:

• Stability, security, safety - a solid foundation is what allows us to build an amazing life together
• Partnership and teamwork - it's "Us and We" not "You and Me".
• Prioritization - choosing the relationship, over oneself, friends, family, and other activities.
• Honesty, transparency, trust, and a willingness to be vulnerable
• Healthy and open communication dynamics - talking about difficult issues together

What I offer:

• Emotional intelligence and understanding, in a very judgment-free way
• Directness and good communication - you don't have to read my mind
• Lots of security - never worry about your future again
• I am emotionally available. My attachment style is secure/anxious. I will try to make our relationship work. I will not discard, slow fade, or ghost you.
• A unique and fascinating life full of adventure, new experiences, and personal growth. Oh, and lots of tasty food from all over the world!

Things I find attractive in a partner:

• a desire to learn everything from me and the books that I give her. I do best with girls who are mostly hufflepuff with a touch of ravenclaw (very loyal intelligent).
• a childish playfulness, unafraid to make dumb jokes or say stupid things that make me laugh
• a partner pleaser who loves to say "yes" to me. "Yes of course, I would do anything for you" is my biggest turn on.
• an initiator, someone who says "hey, do you want to do ____ with me?" or "I saw this thing, I thought it would be fun for us to do it together."
• curiosity, wonder, an open mind, and not afraid to be different than the norm
• a logical decision maker, as opposed to an emotional decision maker
• very strong language and communication skills, the kind of person who loves to talk and maybe even learns a language for fun
• an anxious attachment style - I want you to be needy, clingy, and anxiously attached. Everyone today is hyped about being "securely attached", but to me honestly I prefer an anxiously attached partner.

About me:

• I am healthy, reasonably fit, clean and hygenic. I do not smoke, drink, or do drugs, although I have no issues with a partner who does. I am successful and have my shit together. Just getting the basics out there!
• My passions are dance, music, film, and arts. I am extremely curious and love learning, reading, and watching educational videos. It's easier for me to name mathematicians than sports players. I love and am fascinated by nature and science.
• I am a very ambitious and goal-oriented person. I need a partner who plays a great support role. Someone who is encouraging and helpful, who says things like "How can I help?" / "What can I do?" / "Wow, that looks amazing!"
• My past partners have always said that I am very kind, supportive, giving, and generous. I will not only treat you well but I will treat your whole family like my own.
• I travel a lot. E.g. I've been to Europe 5 times in the last 6 months. This is a pro and a con. The pro is that you'll get to come with me and see the world. The con is that scheduling with me is very complex, and I'm often jetlagged.
• I'm an extremely social introvert. I have lots of friends and frequently host parties. My social calendar is often very full. A few years ago, I went to 11 weddings in one year. Yes, it was far too many, but I try to never turn down a wedding invitation.
• To relax, I love to watch tv, movies, and comedy specials. I love Disney/Pixar. Coco is my favorite movie, but my favorite genre is action-comedy. I also enjoy both board and video games but find that I don't have much time for them anymore, so I like to watch youtubers play video games instead. That said, right now, I am playing balatro and watching 3 Body Problem. I just finished Arcane. I also love sitcoms like Brooklyn 99, The Office, Friends, Seinfeld.
• I really, really value relationships. I think that human beings are biologically hardwired to be social creatures, and love and relationships are truly the most important thing in life. I have spent hundreds of hours learning about relationships, attachment theory, and communication.
• My biggest fear, pet peeve, and stressor is wasting time. I am a big believer in making the most of my limited time on this earth. I am not good at waiting.
• I am looking for a healthy, solid, stable, long-lasting relationship. My parents have been happily married for over 40 years, and I think that they have been a great model for how I want my relationship to be.

Quotes about Love that I agree with:

• The best relationships are built on a foundation of friendship.
• Love is more than a feeling, it is a choice. It is a choice that a person makes every day. They wake up in the morning and say to themselves, "I choose to love you today, no matter what happens."
• It takes one person to change a relationship for the better but it takes two to make a relationship work.

My Red Flags (not a complete list!):

• I am very demanding and controlling, and therefore only compatible with an obedient submissive. The source of my demanding and controlling-ness is my need for everything to go as well as it can go.
• I will immediately lose all interest in someone who "stands me up", as in makes plans and then doesn't show up or flakes.
• I want to talk and bond with my partner over other pretty/attractive women. So even slight jealousy or insecurity is going to be a non-starter.
• I have to talk about my ex. She was a huge part of my life for the last two years and I am specifically looking for a partner who is interested in learning about that part of my past.
• On the flip side, I will also ask you personal, therapy-like questions right from the start. This can feel intrusive, but is my sincere effort to get to know you as a person - how you think, what's important to you, how you make decisions.

The Map of Our Relationship:

I am looking for a serious long-term relationship, not a casual thing. Generally speaking, I want to move quickly. I'd like if we both agree to dive in headfirst at 100%, so that we can find out if we're a good fit for one another quickly. While I recognize the value of building relationships and trust over time, I also hate that part at the end where you invested months/years into someone who wasn't right for you all along. So let's do it the fast way.

• Step 1: Message me! I put a lot of effort into this post, so please put some effort into your first message to me as well. It might take me a few days to see it, because I don't spend a lot of time on Reddit when I travel. I will respond to all messages, as soon as I see them.
• Step 2: Once we are connected, let's chat and get to know each other on Reddit for a few days. I'm aiming for maybe 3-4 real-time conversations.
• Step 3: If things go well, I will ask you to switch to WatsApp or Telegrm. I will not use any other messaging apps.
• Step 4: If you are local (California or Washington), I will ask to meet in person in a public place. Pick your favorite restaurant or somewhere new that you've wanted to try. It will be my treat. If you are not local, then I will offer to fly you to me. It is important for us to meet each other, so that I know you are serious and not just looking for a penpal.
• Step 5: I want to spend a week or weekend together, sharing meals and sleeping in the same bed. I believe people only really get to know each other when they're spending that 24/7 time together, so I want to do a trial run of that as soon as possible.

Other note - I will not ask you for a picture. If you want to see mine, that's no problem. You are welcome to share your pic with me if you want to, but I won't ask you for one.

Compatibility Quiz

1. What's more important to you in a partner, how a person looks or who they are inside?
2. If your partner does something that you don't like, are you more likely to say something to him or say nothing to avoid conflict?
3. What's more important in a relationship, sexual compatibility or friendship?
4. Your partner wants to do something in bed that makes you uncomfortable. Do you agree to try it or hold your boundaries?
5. If you and your partner cannot agree about something, is it more important for you to listen to your partner or for your partner to listen to you?
6. You are having an argument, but you do not think you did anything wrong. Should you apologize? Yes/no
7. Is talking about exes and past partners healthy or unhealthy? Assume those relationships are fully closed
8. If your partner didn't respond quickly, are you more likely to follow up and double text or pull away because he's not interested?
9. If you're feeling stressed or overwhelmed, do you try to handle it alone or reach out to your partner for support?
10. When your partner talks about future plans together, do you get excited or do you feel uneasy / pressured?

Answer Key (8 = we are very compatible, message me!)

1. who they are on the inside
2. Say something
3. friendship
4. agree to try it
5. listen to your partner
6. Yes, find something to apologize for
7. Healthy. Learn about your partner through their past
8. follow up and double text
9. reach out to your partner for support
10. get excited

I hope that you enjoyed reading this post and trying my quiz! If you are thinking about reaching out, know that I am looking forward to talking with you! And if not, no worries. Best wishes for your 2025, and may your new year be filled with joy and prosperity!