And by the way, the environment's already fucked, so your anachronistic coal-based antics send the wrong kind of message to well-meaning perverts like me.

My demands? Oh, nothing outlandish, just the elusive unicorn that is a clever, articulate, kinky, emotionally intelligent, left-leaning cis woman who's partial to witty banter, exercises in post-irony, accidentally deep conversations, and consensual kinxploration. Wrap up that cute quirky sapiosexual in Christmas lights and leave under my tree, please and thank you. No overtime for the elves required because she already exists somewhere in the void of Horny Reddit: your only task is to make her spot this post despite the chaos of the holiday season. And worry not, Santa, I'm not seeking a long-distance relationship or romantic entanglement so bring your loners with commitment issues and let Cupid enjoy his vacation. A mutually exciting short- or long-term FWB connection with the emphasis on F but no expectations of any kind is the extent of my aspirations on this unpredictable mess of a planet for now.

Maybe she's a writerly sort? I am a professional linguist, amateur wordsmith, and a semi-pro introvert, so we should get along just fine and tickle each other's brains with elaborate discourse, dumb puns, and well-written smut. Maybe she's an unrepentant bookworm? Well, I'm a voracious reader with a TBR pile that has its own postal code (fave authors include but aren't limited to Tolkien, Pratchett, Frances Hardinge, McEwan, Julian Barnes, Joseph Heller, McKillip, AS Byatt). Maybe she's from the UK? Great, I've always wanted a sexy British friend to banter with and discuss Taskmaster, David Mitchell, and James Acaster, plus we'd only be one pesky timezone apart.

But what got me on the naughty list in the first place, you wonder? Stop playing coy, old man, you know perfectly well that I'm guilty of being a dom-leaning switch who enjoys rough, passionate, energetic sex with feral vibes that involves choking, hair pulling, impact play, filthy banter liberally sprinkled with degradation and humiliation, freeuse, breeding, spit play, cum play and various other fetishes, including non-penetrative femdom on occasion. Your saintly kink-shaming old arse just cannot handle a little spice, can it? Well, I'll have you know I don't want anything to do with toilet, puke, permanent damage, gore, animals, furries, DD/lg, age regression, receiving anal, and cuckoldry, so it's not like I don't have a few strict limits of my own.

Looks-wise, I'm a 6'3"-tall, long-limbed, pale, dirty blonde, blue-eyed, and moderately bearded individual residing somewhere on the spectrum between geek chic and decidedly unhip lumberjack. I respect privacy policies that preclude sending photos of any kind, but alas, physical attraction does matter to me, and I tend to get bored without some visual stimulation to complement the texting should we get along.

To tell you the truth, Santa, the world is a bit fucked in the head these days, so I think I deserve a little respite from all the doomscrolling in a good company, and I'm sure I can make her dark winter days a little bit brighter too. Do with that information what you will. Ho ho ho etc.