major TW ⚠️
i used to get on Omegle as a child (11-16) and find men in their 30s and 40s with blacked out cameras. sometimes they’d let me talk about my problems and explore my psychology, sometimes they’d hold me accountable for my own role in my messy life, sometimes they’d get straight to using me.
I’d follow orders and i don’t know why, they had no mechanism of force. sometimes i think it was my own form of self-harm, i did it when i felt like a failure, when i needed to feel useful.
I broke that cycle eventually, but the feeling hasn’t gone anywhere. I’m tired of pretending to be a functioning person with desires of my own. For months now the only real desire I’ve had is for this stupid life to be over. I can’t act on it bc unfortunately there are a few people left who still care for me.
i guess i’m looking for someone who sees me. i portray myself as smart and competent, but i know I’m fucking broken. I’m too far gone to ever achieve or deserve a life that I’d actually want to live, so I’m here. let me be beyond repair.
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