Yes, that's me. That dog you always see at the park, off-lead, strutting his stuff, drawing your eye with his confident trot, chasing after a tennis ball with the spirit and dynamism you wish your last five dates had possessed. "Why can't men be like this?" you tell yourself. But looking a little closer, you realise I'm actually not a real dog per se, but in fact a man with whom you can legally procreate. It's just a very convincing act.

What can kind of dog are you?

I'm a Bernese Mountain Dog.

That's cute. When can we have sex?

Okay this kind of talk is going to get you blocked. If I just wanted to hump something, my house furniture would suit just fine. No—I am in search of interesting conversation to act as a precursor to some doggy domination. After experiencing the latter, you might feel a desperate urge to propose immediately, but I implore you to pace yourself and limit the racy stuff to the bedroom.

What I need from you

🐾 Romance. Graham Linehan posted a pic of me wagging my tail and demanded my execution, but after courting his daughter and taking her on a romantic getaway to Wolverhampton, I won him over and he is now a therian ally. Unfortunately, many people harbour prejudices against my kind, thinking we are obsessed with freaky degenerate sex, when in reality our minds are focused on other matters pretty much half the time.
🐾 Sexual compatibility. You're a switch who likes it ruff. I don't like to embarrass myself in public posts, so for a full kinklist please DM or see previous posts for exciting hints.
🐾 Commitment. Remember: a dog is for life, not just for railing while tied to the bed one time then going all flaky.
🐾 Bonus points if you can bark and whine too. After my ex and I howled in the forest, we were circled by a pack of wolves which made the date that extra bit special.

What I’m not looking for:
🚫 Someone whose opener includes the line 'good boy' or who wants to put me in one of those plastic masks that look shit.
🚫 A poodle (no exceptions)

It's your turn now

I'd say no pressure but let's be real, it's on. Dogs like me don't come padding along very often. If you don't message now you may not see me post again for a fortnight.