hi, I’ll start by saying I have almost no idea what I’m looking for. my last partner died recently and it came to light that he had been cheating. he was also 25 years older than me and sort of represented the stable older adult presence I felt like I’d always lacked.
i’ve had a lot of terrible experiences, but this feels like the one that finally broke me. I used to be smart, funny, attractive enough, independent, whatever, and I’ve lost all of it. I’m uncomfortable no matter where i am or who I’m with, and don’t have a single person in my life that i trust anymore.
the worst part is i don’t trust myself. i can’t form relationships with other people because my judgement is obviously terrible and ill end up picking the wrong ones. this brings me to my paradox, as I’ve never needed support more, but at the same time I’ve never been more hesitant to reach out.
to top it all off, my last relationship was D/S, and i felt like i gave more of myself to him than I’d ever given to anyone. I feel like I’ve been tainted.
Like I said, I really have no idea what I’m seeking here. my ability to imagine positive outcomes has been squashed, and it makes it hard for me to keep conversations alive, but of course I’ll try. this is probably obvious, but I’m in no place to make any type of relationship commitment right now, although my sex drive is finally starting to come back.
I’m honestly not sure why anyone would respond to this, but if for some reason you are interested here are like two things that might make that easier: 1) structure really helps me. it’s probably why I’m a sub. agendas, calendars, task lists make me feel safe. 2) science means a lot to me and has often played a big role in the connections I’ve made before
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