Oh. Really? That got your attention?

Welp.

It's all downhill from here :<

Maaan. Maybe I should get chatgpt to write this shit lol. Because I am looking for a bunch of different things that have been on the back burner and idk it feels weird writing an essay for each one of them. I'm a bit overwhelmed right now. The people on this subreddit ("how do I say this without immediately turning off half the people who even read this far?")... I just... uh... it's bad juju man. Actually myeah. I feel overwhelmed by the women who complain (if that's the right word) about femdom related stuff. I get intimidated by that. I have the vibe that those women wouldn't have empathy for me or like think to check in sometimes even. So, in conclusion, FUCK OFF (just kidding, I don't have anything noteworthy that I've processed on that except ig it turns me off but then I'm probably going to hear more of it because I'm not living up to my own expectations because I'm complaining and yahhhhhhh idk man). I just be white boi chillin'.

Not to be homophobic but, I love women.

Okay, so yeah, not to be sexist but that's my sense of humor. Kind of dry, a lil spicy edginess here and there, very silly and sarcastic, blue, and just brain rotten. Not to be racist but I hope you're having a wonderful time reading this and learning a lot right now. Chatgpt is really earning that minimum wage.

Fuck. I gotta talk about me least favorite topic, myself. I'm just really shy and sensitive, but it's weird because my way of communicating can be very insensitive sometimes, which, you know, I don't mind crying if it means healthy communication in a relationship. A lot of women anecdotally I have talked to online think I might be a porn addict or an incel, which... just... no... I have done roleplay-ish sexting like that because I have learned it can get me attention and experience I like but it's not me-me.

I'm sooooo scared of meeting someone, but I want to meet irl. I'm scared of like, meeting someone who... makes me uncomfortable or like puts those labels on me like I'm a creepy-loser-outcast-pervert-pathetic-weirdo with a fragile male ego. That's insecurity, and I actually don't mind being those things in a vacuum with consent and acceptance and stuff, but I am scared of being hurt by like being put into those boxes and then like mistreated because of that.

It ALWAYS feels like the wrong time to bring it up, but still sometimes I will say online that yeah I'm autistic. Not officially diagnosed because there's a whole process, but trust me, you can see it in my eyes (which they won't be looking at you for very long because my eye contact is fucked).

I think that gives me something to startoff with that I want to do. I want to do "eye contact play," as I'm temporarily calling it. But before that...

Fuck I forgot to say in the beginning no I am not fit, tall, or hung because there's always that one person who asks. I was going to put it in the beginning, but I can't now because it's a god tier intro. Not really, but you know. Anyways...

Yeah so eye contact play. I don't know if you know this, I don't even fully know this myself, but for some autistic people and I think me, eye contact is painful. So the tldr is eye contact is a form of S&M for me. There's an audio porn of a woman jerking off a guy who's tied up, and all he has to do is make eye contact.

By the way, I talk about my autism a lot because I was convinced with a whole lot of gained confidence after talking to multiple therapists which is why it's like my own special interest or obsession recently. But anyways...

I wish there was a way to communicate this without sounding self-deprecating so I can find my type, but I really am that like loner, silent dude with no friends atm and a lot of intense emotions. A lot of yearning for interacting with women, but just idk feeling scared or overwhelmed in their presence. I've gotten better, but like really, it's very intense for me to like even flirt irl I think while other people are doing it in the ass. A kiss or a hug or a conversation at the bar for me would feel like somebody else's hardcore rough anal. And I'm happy with that, but the downside is, you know, my social needs are being neglected.

I'm hoping I can give you some virgin rizz with a story. But first, I'll finally give my stats, kinda: 5'9", 220lbs maybe? but I gained a lot (a pound a day keeps the vaginas away (sorry I know that's gross to some people or even angering)), ehhh wavy and maybe a bit curly long brown (dirty blonde?) hair past my should blades - my hair curls which is cool but I have zero clue if it all fits my balding-ass head, white (lightskin), glasses, I look like I'm stoned 24/7 but I have never smoked weed in my life and nor do I want to atm, small beard and mustache atm, broad shoulders, and just a bit of kinda patchy hair everywhere I guess.

Okay back to the virgin rizz. Idk maybe you'll find my autism hot... more on that later lol... or cute, which idk how I feel about being seen as cute for being autistic, but okay so... My ex-roommate's girlfriend talked to me and made eye contact with me in public. Like she talked to me one on one, and it overwhelmed me and surprised me to have a woman initiate an interaction with me which is extremely rare I think in general but probably for me especially with my general autistically-uninviting expression-less demeanor. But yeah she made me yelp, and then people did that thing at the party where they all look at you with disgusted faces kinda and I looked around at their faces just standing there ashamed and like I don't know why they did this but 10 seconds later they just carried on like it never happened. I'm scared to have someone be into this story for sadistic reasons because it's depressing to feel that way. I want to feel like I can have a safe space where I can receive unconditional empathy and love and acts of service.

That's the other thing. As a sub (using that term loosely because control and d/s is not a huge kink of mine but I like it), it's kinda awkward but my love language is acts of service. Not like me being in maid dress baking you cookies although that might be nice if I learned how to do that, but more like, going above and beyond for me. Treating me kindly when most people wouldn't want to. Maybe baking me the cookies in a maid dress "because that's not what dommes are supposed to do," and yet, breaking those expectations breaks my heart, in a good way. That doesn't work lol. I mean maybe all this to say I am bratty. I asked someone dominant/sadistic I played with online for months with on a scale of 1 to 10, how bratty am I? "10." Punishments kind of scare me which is why I'm scared to say I am bratty but okay yeah maybe being locked in chastity for a day as a punishment is pretty hot instead of 24/7.

That's the thing. Maybe it's porn or reading reddit, but I unfortunately get aroused by cuckholding and chastity. I find it really gross and cruel and disgusting, but no doubt that's the appeal of it for me. The misandry in those communities, the whole unironically believing some men are biologically superior to other men stuff, is just fucking suicide fuel. But anyways sorry. Yeah, the whole sensitive-insensitive thing.

Here's some things I've been fantasizing about in a partner...

I want a woman with puffy under eye bags. A friend told me the term "aegyo sal," and that's roughly what I like. Dude..... I will fucking die if I had a woman I could date let alone talk to that I can see smile with that eye style so to speak. I like puffy happy eyes. Makes me want to flap my hands and age regress. Another thing I like is dancers like I saw this one risque korean (I think) woman that has been stuck in my mind. Arm and thigh tattoos go hard too. Soft pale complexions... Sorry I know I'm just describing her, but I gotta give SOME idea of what I like in women. And eeeee honestly I have a soft spot for east asian women but nothing related to any stereotypes I would hope. That stuff is depressing.

So, I have used the term black cat for myself and golden retriever for a girlfriend, but really, I want someone who doesn't mind me freezing up constantly from sensory input because like with that korean dancer lady, you know I did the whole cringy imagining-our-life-together thing, and I like how I can be monotone with my voice and "expressionless" with my face, but like on the screen she just keeps dancing and it makes me happy and want to hug her and guh guh guhhhhhh I... don't how to describe the autistic bliss I would feel but it's like getting a blowjob, a rimjob, and smoochies all at the same time but like in a romantic wholesome feelings kind of way. All this to say, I like idk how to describe it but the type of women who would be chilling talking with her girlfriends while I awkwardly sit next to her silent, or like maybe she pulls me by my arm some where and starts dancing like the girl in the video swaying her hips side to side a bit, and like she wants to make sure I'm comfortable and like she checks in if I'm okay with being next to her while she dances, but she's okay with me kind of not being very expressive or awkward or unconventional or idk getting too into it even maybe lol. I just like how she moves and looks at me and like how I can just watch her in awe and like idk like "I'm out of her league" but she's like loving me even though my balding ass head looks like a rat's scrotum. Like her just being herself and inviting me into her space and her letting me be myself in her space makes me really happy. It feels like it's too good to be true, and when people do things that are too good to be true for me, then that's when neurons and the "acts of service" love language kicks into overdrive.

I want to say that, what I would really like about her, but more importantly a potential girlfriend, is like she would (with consent and checking in) like initiate romance and be hyper affectionate towards me and like I would rest my head in her lap if she had a bubbly (? is that the right word?) personality. Having a girlfriend who is more conventionally attractive than me physically is not about eye candy stuff but yeah obviously a guy who likes his porn is... you know... noticing her hip sways and stuff... but it's again an act of service like I guess insecurity but also like "I love you and find you beautiful" kind of thing. It reassures me that she loves me in a weird way. Idk wtf I'm saying but yeah. There's a fuckin' autistic ramble for you that's probably a turn off or turn on for some. Probably divisive. But I just really like the idea of a woman who takes the initiative sexually and romantically in a relationship, but yeah... I'm not saying I'm perfect with this either but I would prefer someone who doesn't feel rapey with them having to initiate stuff and how they go about it. Yeah... Consent is important, and I love communication.

I love saying the quiet parts out loud even if it's hurtful in a relationship. I'd rather be told "I don't love you." and maybe cry than to not know what you're thinking. I fucking hope that's not a self-fulfilling prophecy but hopefully you get the point.

My goal in life right now is to open as many opportunities as possible by retiring in my 20s. I want to live off of investments and dividends and not work. I have a project idea for a game, but that's not first date talking material. I want to be a business guy and then you know, make bank and live off of that comfortably in retirement. Man, I don't what to say ever about my personal interests because goddamn I love watching a bit of youtube and looking at pictures of futa mommies with hentai cocks lol.

That's another thing. I am very perverted and like kinky. I am probably into stuff you have never even heard of. Aka hentai, but the deep deep dark depths of the genre.

One of the acts of service things I have is like having a partner who lets me explore my sexuality and actually encourages it, like "ooo do you think she's pretty?" like with one of their friends if that's not too weird or like with porn. I don't know wtf label we'd use but that might be an open or poly thing I want but with a main partner. Maybe even a harem queen lol, a queen of my harem... idk... sorry if that's offensive. Yeah but I'm not saying it's impossible but it's going to be very triggering I imagine dating a size queen and having her have sex with men three times my size like yes there's an element of fragile ego masculinity or whatever but I just want to make sure my emotions are heard and I'm listened to and I'm not treated in disgusting ways because I have a small dick. What's hot about the cuckholding fantasy is losing your lover to someone who has an immutable characteristic and an awkward one like a bigger dick, but it's hot because that's the kind of thing that would trigger my drop, especially suicidal thoughts (sorry to be tmi, I'm safe) because a lot of the times it's not just a kink to people.

It's like white guys thinking they are manlier than asian guys. Hot in a fantasy once in a while, but the genuine machismo and toxic masculinity and actually having it normalized where your partner thinks there's something fundamentally wrong with your genitals and you instead of just a compatibility issue makes me disgusted. I love size queens. There's nothing wrong with it. I want you to enjoy what you like without shame. It's just seeing the reddit posts people will write though is just blah blah blah pure misandry to me. I don't want to feel like a sexual object and have my worth determined and whether I can please you or not because we just happen to have a compatibility issue. I don't know what I'm saying. The whole size queen cuckholding stuff is not impossible but improbable because of that stuff though. Like the way people do it, it feels like there's no safe word, because it's not roleplay, they genuinely think I am lesser. Sorry again. I am fucking sperging and incel-ing but um I just want an understanding girlfriend who respects me and I respect her and we can have a fulfilling sex life and romantic life.

People build their lives kind of like columns holding up a roof. I want my romantic relationship(s) to be the biggest column and the most important thing in my life.

Another thing I thought about is having a wing-mom lol who checks my history when we meet up and so I can get some social support since the college women are um an obstacle for me socially. I forgort to say that fantasy too. I think this is probably too long to list the other 97 things I want to do like having an anr thing or cuddling or dry humping or just going on a one time date or going to watch horror movies (I have seen very little visual media so please let me be your tv show/anime/film critic apprentice lol) or having someone who can help me find much older men to make out with and frot maybe, sissy or dollification or being played with like a toy, a kinky fwb or being your kitten. Oh my god, can I ask for anything else? I gotta stop. Wait yes I can. I love Mommy stuff, and I might be a brat. That stuff melts my heart.

Sometimes I think about the ones I turned away with a small detail, which bothers me because I think chemistry is more important than anything and you only get that from directly interacting with a person. See, I'm not like this when you just message "Hello" and "Are you looking for a mistress" lol (I'm talking about scammers, they use this same script). Just, say something I guess. I know it's bad juju to be telling the women on here what to do, but I honestly feel like there is sometimes too much fickleness over a post rather than actually focusing on seeing how people are in there day to day lives. But whatever.

Yeah so, I love you, like not really but idk feelin kinda wholesome after writing this for two hours, and um I'd love to chat meoooow :3