Dramatic title but that’s what happens to my brain once summer ends and I figured why not be honest about it for once. Confession #1: Being in denial about having seasonal depression doesn’t make it go away and will end up resurfacing when you don’t want it to especially when you’re trying to date or even just find a play partner. Whoops.

Before we get into things, I have my obligatory dealbreakers section so I’m not wasting your time: 

▪ Ideal age range would be from 28-36, please don’t look like you’d be my dad if we took a picture together

▪ Does not need penetrative sex (I have vaginismus and penetration stresses me out!)

▪ No drugs, weed or smoking at all, sobriety would be nice, but social drinking is okay as long as it’s in moderation (Not 420 friendly)

▪ Doesn’t expect nudes/sexting regularly

▪ Has a decent amount of Dom experience online and in-person (had too many bad “first-time Dom experiences and there are some things you learn in-person that I would just really like to avoid in future partners)

▪ Within the United States (for future logistics) and likely willing to move to Boston(?), managed to find a good community out here and I don’t take it for granted!

▪ Shares similar life goals with me on a similar timeline (wants 1-2 kids but not for another 4 years AKA not in a rush to start a family, looking at you guys age 35 )

▪ Respectful of things like religion and politics, not the type to get into heated discussions over disagreements (I’m Christian but not the super suss shove-it-down-your-throat conservative type and have generally liberal/moderate values)

Confession #2: I have violated some of these in the past during my SAD period and regretted them badly. Let’s not repeat the mistakes of the past please. 

With that all out of the way, if you’re still here, hi, as the title implies, I have really bad seasonal depression and I’ve learned the hard way over the past 3 years that’s it’s led to less than ideal relationships for me in the past around this time of year. 

Want to help break that streak? I’ve got a couple scenarios jotted down of what I’m doing differently this year and how you might fit into the picture. 

With friends:

Confession #3: I’m extroverted with lots social anxiety and accidentally made myself depressed by locking myself at home

Turns out my vision of peak introverted homebody life when it gets cold makes me depressed! Big oops. 

Fortunately, now I’ve got a really great group of friends and community around me to encourage me to touch grass. The social anxiety last year  mentally blocked me from socializing and led to bad FOMO but fortunately we’ve moved past that. My friends are the type that like board games, gacha games, going to anime conventions and just chilling in VC enjoying each others’ company. In general I’m very selective about the people I’m around and would love to bring a fun addition to the group (spoilers, that’s you!). Also, having a plus one for special events would be super nice. Not being afraid to travel to spend quality time with others is how I’ve lived life lately and I’d love to share in all the fun times I’ve indulged in with someone else. Cute fall dates are also a nice excuse to go outside. 

Family:

Confession #4: I had a breakdown and called my mom during the winter 7 months into adulting and ever since then, life has gotten exponentially better. In short, we’re super close. It would be great to ease her worries that I’m with someone who’s stable won’t add to her anxiety. I’ve also got a couple holiday family gatherings and I think it’s important to have a partner close with their family. 

At home:

Confession #5: I’ve gotten along better with people who were in different countries than those who were local and didn’t know how to message online. Good communication is super important to me.

I work a pretty comfy remote job and I’m also a student right now and involved in way too much for my own good. Maybe you are too. Maybe you like crafting or gaming or have some plan towards world domination that you’re working towards. All things are great for me and sometimes I just like being in someone’s presence even if we aren’t doing the same thing together. I’ve got a lot of things I’m inspired to do and I’d love to be able to support someone in a similar way.

In the bedroom:

Confession #6: A good chunk of my motivation to date in previous falls was fueled by being too down bad. Blame the summer I binged Bridgerton with a friend. 

That being said, turns out rushing into getting dicked down by someone isn’t great in general. Additionally, I’ve realized that I need a really strong mental dynamic with my Dom in order for any physical pleasure to be enjoyable, which usually means setting up a formal dynamic before any “play” happens. You could be doing the most elaborate stuff to get me off (I get wet easily), but if I’m mentally not into it, then it’s not great for me. It’s like wanting to take spankings because my Dom’s a sadist and I want to please him instead of enduring them because it’s a punishment.  

So, what gets me into that peak sub headspace? Someone who claims Ownership over me with a capitol O and means it seriously. I want something that’s not just a “in the bedroom” sort of dynamic and someone who knows how to objectify me (fuck toy hood, nicknames that all have the word “my” preceding it) are some ways to get me into super duper horny mode very quickly. 

The end goal

Confession #7: I've been way too jacked up on the "finding a stable loving partner" energy thanks to a combination of Hadestown, DanDaDan and my irl friends getting married.

To sum up this very very lengthy post, I just want to have a nice fall. Maybe that ends with not finding anyone this time around and that’s okay! Again, this is a lot more touchy-feely than my usual posts so we’ll see how it goes. 

As for responding, idk any tips on how to fight off the SADs would be great. Sun lamps and vitamin D have been sort of a miss for me. 

Hopefully there’s enough mentioned here that would make for a compelling response if there were any that really stuck out to you. I also have another post that probably has more details about me since this was more of a personal reflection exercise that somehow ended up as a personals post. Funny how that happens. As I tell myself, “I support women’s rights and women’s wrongs..”

As I always say, PLEASE DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WRITING A LOT, THE MORE THE BETTER.

Anyways, thanks for reading this super lengthy post full of my past girl-fails and hope to hear from you soon~

*I strongly prefer messages over chat