I sit here staring at the screen, feeling the waves crashing in my head, wondering how I can possibly say what I need to say in this post.
The first thing that feels important to say is that I’m in a lot of pain. I have been for what feels like a very long time. I’m very alone, you see. I am not a religious man, but it has always struck me that after God created a material paradise for the first human, he immediately observed: “it is not good for man to be alone.” It is not good.
I have struggled with my mental health my entire life. Eventually it was my body I hated too. I grew apart from people, and held myself in such low esteem I did not want to burden others, let alone a partner, with my presence.
But I have to believe that things can be different. I have to believe that there’s somebody out there who can see the good in me and help to bring it out. Someone who can guide me, lead me, and light a path to a better place.
I know that is asking a lot. I don’t expect magic, and I don’t expect you to be my therapist. But it would mean so much to me if you existed. I would have so much to give if someone wanted it. I would adore you. I would worship you. I would need you desperately. I would cling to you and do anything for you. Serve you.
I need someone to whom that kind of deeply rooted power would be appealing. Someone for whom nurturing and caring is important, even if she also has a cruel or sadistic side she wants to indulge in.
There is a lot more to say, but I’d prefer to say it to a person than to the void of the internet. If this post seemed interesting to you, I’d be grateful for a chat.
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