I am seeking advice from Muslims or other religious individuals on how to balance my desires and urges while maintaining a commitment to monogamy. Recently divorced, I feel desperate to find someone who truly understands me, but dating in real life has been challenging. When men discover my more risqué side, they often don’t take me seriously. I also struggle with casual, no-strings-attached relationships because I need an emotional and physical connection to fully submit, which can be exhausting for some men.

I’m looking for guidance on effective questions to ask when screening potential partners, as well as safe ways to manage my urges. Additionally, I’d appreciate recommendations for apps and websites that might be helpful. Unfortunately, Muslim dating apps aren’t kink-friendly, and my experience with posting an ad on Reddit was disappointing. Many men were just looking for quick thrills and asked me to send pictures. I’ve used Fetlife in the past, and it was overwhelming for me.

For context, I’ve gained 20 lbs since my divorce, mainly due to stress and a lack of control in my previous relationship. My ex-husband would spank me if I gained over a certain threshold or withhold certain favors. He’d do daily body checks with me. While our relationship was toxic for other reasons, I miss that aspect. I’m unsure how to recreate a similar dynamic in a no-strings situation, and if I genuinely like the guy and want to develop feelings, it becomes a tall order for them.

More context: I was dating a guy for a month or so this summer. He wanted to get physical, and I told him I can’t unless we’re compatible. He was understanding and agreed we should date more. I started feeling him a bit more, and that usually manifests in me wanting to look good for him. I brought up my past and the spanking thing, just to see if he was interested. He seemed interested and asked if that meant sex, and I told him no. He was incredibly confused and frustrated with me. He told me he wasn’t comfortable doing anything like that if it meant no sex. I wasn’t sure how to articulate that this was a step in me eventually building up to sex because, quite frankly, I can’t have vanilla sex. I need to feel subby. So that went down the drain cause the requests for sex ramped up even more and it was a headache.