Alright, straight up starting with the promised picture, so I can easily delete it once I decide it's a bad idea! Here you go. Alright, with that out of the way, let's get back to our regularly scheduled programming:

Greetings!

As the title and/or subreddit has presumably already given away, I’m just another dude searching for a domme, same old, same old. But, if you have ever seen my awfully evocative username before, you may just know what’s coming: Entirely too much information, despite my best efforts to actually keep it short for once. You may or may not know, but I definitely do – this will fail. So, fair warning, it’s going to be a ride. But I will actually try to keep it compressed, at the very least. Unfortunately for me, compressing thing robs me of my main attraction - my humor.

Alright, enough, time to compress too much information into too little text and then failing miserably at doing that! As you do!

Boo! That’s right, future-me here. So, uh, look… I… failed, alright, I admit it. It’s a long one. Again. But! Today’s bonus day, you actually get a real, proper TL;DR at the end. What? Yes, at the end. Just because you don’t read it doesn’t mean you don’t have to scroll. What do you think this is, charity? Pah! Anyway… witness my failure:

Part I – Who am I?

For those suffering from serious short-term memory loss, I’m a caucasian male, 33 years old, born, raised and currently located in Germany, and I’m looking for a few screws I lost. Wait, no, that’s another ad. I’m actually looking for a domme, yes! Just like every other generic white dude on Reddit, I have gathered the nerd trifecta of anxiety, depression and ADHD (Update: Actually for realsies diagnosed now, though the H got dropped, got the boring ADD kind, it would appear. Like... you know... if anyone cares. Ahem). This was a conscious choice, because I didn’t want to be different from the rest of the group, you see? Anyway, after a few years of studying the ins and outs of your average medical system, I appear to have eventually landed on the final battlefield, so I shall prematurely declare victory. So, with that out of the way: I’m a mentally healthy caucasian male, 33 years ol.. wait a minute…

Oh yea, and I’m hilarious. Please laugh. Well, moving on anyway, you had your chance.

Physically, I also bend to Reddit’s peer pressure and decided it would be best to stay solidly overweight at currently ~115kg, just to have some extra in case I ever slip up. At ~183cm that could be worse, but, well, it’s not good. Willpower willing, that’ll hopefully start changing again in the near future. Hm? What was that? You don’t know what those numbers mean? I’m very sorry, sounds like you may have a mild case of Americanism, that sucks. But there’s help for that now, maybe try Google? Okay, look, it’s 6 feet flat and like… 250lbs or some such? There you go, feeling better, huh? Last time though! Oh come on now, what do you mean “stone”? It’s 18. Gees. Get a grip!

Sigh, I just can’t stop, looks like the whole “making this short”-plan has been abandoned once again. Why am I like this? Oh well. Buckle up, we’re in it now!

Hey there, future-me again. More future-future-me than the past-future-me. Obviously. Keep up. Anyway, kinda awkward, huh? Look, you may think it’s pretty annoying to read this, but I have to listen to this in my head all day, alright? You’ll survive! Okay, back to… wait, the time stuff gets real weird now… so… it’s… future… past… future… past… me? I don’t know, point is, I haven’t written the next bit as of right now, so back to … myself, I guess. I may need sleep.

Sooo… where was I, before I completely abandoned any pretense of keeping this short? No idea, but hobbies and crap is up next. To stick to the theme, I also decided that touching grass is for weirdos and picked all the staying indoors perks. As such, my life features such extravagant hobbies as “Playing Video Games” (I need you to picture some kind of Award Ceremony Introduction Animation thingy here, with sound effects and everything, otherwise the whole joke doesn’t work. Help me out here, alright?), as well as “Listening to random stuff about random topic nobody cares about”. Oh yea, and I spend entirely too much time bouncing between being utterly lazy and then doing shit like this for no good reason. (It’s a totally mentally stable kink list (of sorts..), in case you’re interested). I also do some programming and stuff, basically, if you can do it on a PC I probably did it at some point. That’s what we’re calling “hobbies” in these parts, while we all sit in a circle and nod at each other in approval. It’s how this works, stop looking at me like that!

Other than that, I’m a bit weird, hide all the squishy feely bits behind a-tad-too-obnoxious-humor and tend to say the same thing in 15 different ways because I’m deathly terrified of not being understood or something, who even knows. And how’s your day been? On the bright side, being forced to spend 24/7 on thinking about random stuff, I’d like to claim that I’ve come out the other end being very open, honest, with no desire to play stupid games. I’m just gonna go ahead and assume that all the insanity on display here will sufficiently demonstrate that I’m not a scamming, ghosting or otherwise dishonest person. Cause, honestly, have you seen the kinds of scams that still somehow work? Actually incredible, it’s like they aren’t even trying… uh, yea, anyway, different topic. Point is, I fancy myself a pretty intellectually honest kinda dude, so I got at least that going on!

What else… oh, yea. Experience wise, I’ve had a pretty fair share of encounters over the years, but I trust you can do some reconstruction of that on your own, if you dare click on the link above. However, I’m contractually obligated to refrain from doing any such things in person, otherwise they’ll bully me out of the generic-white-guy-on-reddit clique. In other words, I’ve done the whole wizard program – 33 years old, still a virgin and may or may not have even had a kiss before (there are possible memories but they are not trustworthy, so I’m assuming it’s not a thing). So, you know, if that bothers you, then… well, I don’t know, look for someone else, I guess? Dunno, sounds like a you-problem :) Oh, speaking of you-problems, any stray size queen who made it down here may officially call it quits, we’re optimistically playing in average ballparks here, so just save us all the time, thanks!

So… did I forget anything? I don’t know, I waited for 10 minutes and no answers appeared on my screen, so I assume that means we’re good. Moving on!

Part II – What/Who do I want?

I don’t actually have a particularly strict definition of what exactly I’m looking for, I’m open for suggestions. Ultimately, I’m just looking for someone I click with, who is of the female variety (sorry trans people, I’ve got it all figured out logically, but I haven’t touched enough grass to actually be okay with it on the feely side of things. For the time being, only cis females or whatever the kool kids call it these days). Preferably, I want the, wait, what was it, “magic pixie dream girl” or something? Yea, that, again, contractual obligations and whatnot. Short of that, I’d prefer some long term setup, because, you know, writing these obnoxious ads does get a bit old now. And so do I… However, I’m, in principle, open for something short term or something in the middle or whatever funky thing you may have in mind, the biggest limiting factor is just chemistry, really.

As such, I’m also not particularly bothered about: age, location, looks, ethnicity or experience. Obviously, I don’t wanna bullshit around. I have my biases, I’d rather you be somewhat close in age, at a reasonable timezone, looking pretty and adhering to whatever tribal ethnicity preference bullshit the lizard brain cooks up for the day, but, frankly, none of that has ever been the bottleneck. No amount of hot looks and such helps one bit when things just don’t click, after all. Same thing applies to experience, not particularly bothered. I’m a creative little weirdo, I’m sure we can figure something out either way!

Long story short, I’m obviously looking for a domme with whom I can establish a D/s setup of some description, but I don’t necessarily have something awfully specific in mind. Except that it’s likely exclusively online (mostly because of sheer logistics, but my anxiety stuff and whatnot is an issue as well) and preferably aims to be more than a deal for tonight. Finally, for anything but the most casual or short term of arrangements, I have a very strong preference for monogamy, even if it’s not necessarily a romantically serious setup. I’m just not awfully interested in offering submission to someone who just jump around to another dude an hour later, it’s not really my jam, gotta say.

Further, speaking of offering submission – that’s my overarching view on the whole D/s thing. I have very little interest in dommes who feel the need to take submission by force. If you get it, then because I decided to offer it and you should be aware enough to understand that I’m old enough, as well as self-aware enough, to understand how that’s actually quite a serious thing to give, something I don’t just throw at anybody, and something that I don’t give lightly, because I understand the gravity of the consequences. That’s because, despite those sentences, I’m also not looking for someone who is so far on the gentle side of things that they’ll fold from so much as jokes and teasing. If I offer you submission, then it’s because I want you to take it and use it. And while I very much prefer a more gentle, valueing-each-other kind of approach to D/s, if me teasing back a little bit quickly erodes your confidence in being dominant, that may be a bit too far. Because that’s who I am, I’m a little bratty, make jokes and tease, and that’s something you must be able to deal with, without going full sadist, getting offended or losing confidence. Otherwise we’ll have a very hard time. To phrase it in a cheesy way: I have a vast amount of obedience and submission to give, but I refuse to deflate its value. Actually submitting is a difficult thing, and I’m not interested in anyone who doesn’t understand that. Having said that, once again, it’s equally difficult if you fold at the slightest push-back. Long story short, my ideal domme is somewhere solidly in the middle of things. Willing to take my submissions and use it for her enjoyment (even at the cost of mine), yet mature enough to realize its value, gravitas and consequences.

Finally, I desire open, honest and clear communication. I just can’t deal with the 2 word replies and the vague, hollow sentences anymore. As such, I insist on being contacted via Reddit message, not chat. I will flat out ignore chat because it doesn’t notify me, is buggy, overall garbage and terrible for an introduction. If you ignore this request, I will ignore you in kind. Sorry for the aggressive phrasing, but I’m seriously over it. If you hate Reddit’s messages so much, for whatever reason, you may suggest an alternative platform, but I still ask that you send that request through said message. There is a singular exception I will make, since I’ve only recently become aware of it: If you don’t have a Reddit account and are just lurking, apparently you won’t be able to send messages, if you just quickly make one. Inform me of that via chat and we can figure it out. Just be prepared that it may be a while before I see the chat message. It’s honestly really not difficult to not fuck this up, if you still do, I will assume you didn’t read this and/or are a scammer or bot, and I’ll consequently ignore and/or block you. I genuinely hate that I feel this strong a need to spell this out, but I’m absolutely appalled by how such a simple request has been consistently ignored in the past. This stops now. Sorry. In the unlikely event that you can’t find the send message button, here’s a convenient link.

Actual finally: I also expect to actually get to know you in your introduction, if I read it and know basically nothing about you still, I may honestly just snap and/or cry and pretend you sent a chat. So, you know, try the bare minimum? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?

Phew. Okay. I’m actually sorry for that part, I’m just honestly extremely tilted by it. Let’s move on, maybe raise the mood back up a little, while we’re at it!

Part III – What’s on offer?

Well, I’m afraid it’s a bit of a mixed bag. As alluded to, physically, I don’t have much to offer. Pretty poor shape, the weight and I are in disagreement, pretty poor skin and the size queens are very much gone by now. So when I’m offering a general openness to sharing all sorts of media (anxiety levels permitting), that may be of questionable value. But it’s a thing, so there. Furthermore, I’m in possession of two kinds of remotely controllable toys, in case you want to make things a tiny little bit less virtual. Then there is my fairly high level of honesty and a general very high drive to keep my promises. Having said that, I’m not going to deny that my brain chaos can make it very difficult to be perfectly obedient at times, but I hope my dedication to this monstrosity of a post demonstrates my willingness to try my best. Kink wise, I’m afraid my offerings are modest as well, but you can investigate that yourself, in detail, with the link above.

Short version is that my upsides are probably fairly rare and quite valuable, but they come at a steep price, if you’re looking for the athletic hunk of manliness of your dreams, I’m sorry to disappoint. But if you are sufficiently annoyed by the flaky, fake, ghosting nature of online interactions of any kind, perhaps I can outweigh these things. Your call!

I’m afraid that’s all I got, not necessarily easy to sell this broken product that is me. Though I remain convinced, with some amount of polish, there might still be gold underneath. Omfg I’m actually physically cringing, moving on lol.

Part IV – Bonus Points

Boooooooonus round!

Now, for a moment, let’s pretend that things aren’t unequal beyond reason and I totally get 100 replies and you actually have to compete. Are you imagining it? You can’t? Well, try harder, okay, kinda need it for this, alright?

Okay. So. We’re now living in a world where male subs totally get a bazillion messages and you totally need to try to stand out. Good. Picture it! Now, here is your chance to gather bonus points to totally stand out in the flood of replies:

• Ability and desire to be somewhat detail oriented in your tasks, orders, requests and so on. “Go jerk off or whatever in some way or something” is… well, let’s just say it feels a lot less great to obey than you actually radiating the desire to control the action. So, yea. That’s a thing.

• Kinky creativity! Turns out “Jerk off or whatever” is also a bit stale after 33 years on this strange planet. If you got some spice, I got some bonus points!

• Being in a timezone close to mine! Didn’t used to be a problem, but those damn therapist people insisted that people have “schedules” and some crap about “sleep hygiene” or whatever. Pretty sure they made that up, but here I am.

• A nice voice. I mean, that’s it, I just like nice female voices. So… yea. Intense.

• Ability to intuitively tell when I’m kidding and when I’m not. It’s usually alright, but I clown around a lot, as you may have noticed, and if you just read that wrong consistently, we’ll just hate each other real quick lol.

• Okay, ran out of make-belief-energy, back to reality where nobody cares about bonus points from my side. Was nice to pretend for a bit though! On the bright side, no 100 trash messages \o/

Part V – In Other News

So… this part was in the first iteration, when I wrote this damn thing half asleep. And now it’s still here, but I mentioned all the things elsewhere… awkward… So… uh… yea… I don’t know. What you up to? Things going well? Yea… same here, man, same here. Yup. So, uhh… I guess you could write me a message now or something? Tell me where you’re from? And age and stuff? What you’re after? What you liked or disliked about my rambling? Where you wanna go from here, who you are, what makes you tick? What you’re into perhaps? Or, you know, don’t. It’s a free country! Well, guess that depends on where you’ re reading this… welp. Hope yours is. Anyway. Why are you still here, write the damn message. Go!

Oh, right, the TL;DR for the lazy ones. Sigh. Here you go:

Fat white dude with weird brain seeks hot domme in your area with high tolerance for fat weird white dudes and stuff.

Welp, guess I lied a little, not much of a TL;DR. But hey, at least there technically is one! Now go back and read the whole thing, yea? :P Unless you already have... in which case... uhh... awkward... guess it's time to write a message, then, isn't it?