Seriously. I need a partner who can wield a paddle in a non-kink setting and decimate my best friend and his fiancee somewhat regularly. It's quickly turned into an obsession of mine. You don't need to be a fitness model, but I'm on a fitness journey myself and am looking for someone on a similar path.

Not sexy enough? Well you might as well quit reading now.

Seriously. I need kink in my life. I need 24/7. I crave it. But I also know that you can't build a real relationship on nothing but sex. That being said, some housekeeping:

20 if you're local-ish and are looking for a play partner. I'm sorry. I'm a middle-aged dude. You have life to live. I want to settle down. The odds of us being compatible in that regard are slim to none. But if you think otherwise feel free to shoot your shot.

25 if you're looking for something more than that. Which is my preference.

Who I am: A middle-aged cis white guy. Follicly challenged -- read: Shaved head. Pale as hell. Freckled. Red-bearded. Blue-eyed. Broad, kinda muscular, but clearly likes cake and beer. Down 80lbs in the last 8 months. Tech dude who sadly has a crypto portfolio (ugh) but is mostly a former jock who is just trying to make a living doing what he knows best. Lover of live-music, karaoke, craft beer, and ice hockey. Child free despite my penchant for breeding and "prime dad material demeanor." Best bud to most animals. Fan of Guy Ritchie movies. Kinda handy. Punk rock princess fan.

Zee Germans Kink: Primarily on the left-side of the slash. Daddy tendencies. Pleasure dom base. Been out of the lifestyle for a while but know damn well I can't live without it. I live in the foreplay. I want to tease you. Edge you. Twist those knobs and buttons to keep you a desperate mess all day long. Have a very special good boy inside of me for the right switchy types. Full kink list and a whole lot of smut in my profile.

Some non-negotiables about you:

• Undeniably feminine. I know this is a little shallow but I know what I like. I want the person who hates leaving the house bare faced. I need the person who needs their nails done at all times. The style you embrace is up to you. Trad, alt, emo, goth, whatever. That's your choice. I just desperately need someone who is willing to embrace a "dolled up" aesthetic day to day. I'm happy to contribute to it and I will heap endless amounts of praise upon you for it. But it's not something I want to force.
• Open to some... upgrades. Look it's not about you being unappealing as you are. I just like that plastic aesthetic.
• Left-leaning. I know. A lefty guy who wants a trad-life? Weird as hell. But it is what it is. I'm happy to negotiate what that lifestyle looks like. I don't expect you to do anything. I want something fulfilling for you that makes us both happy.
• Willing to relocate. I like where I am. I might be willing to move to certain locations in the north east of the US but that's a tough sell.
• Able to travel / meet.
• Unattached. Poly is not for me.

I don't have a lot of hope for this. But if it speaks to you send me a message and lets see where it goes.