I am kinda broken. I have a lot of issues and I almost never leave my house. I feel like the older I get, the more shut in I am. I used to be the type that went out and had friends. Partied, bar hopped, constantly doing something. And I still felt empty. I woke up one day and realized that none of my friends were actual friends. That I wasn’t happy and that it wasn’t what I wanted.
I feel like at this point of the story, I should have this grand life change where I became happy. That everything is perfect now but sadly, it just isn’t that kind of tale.
At this point, I feel like I barely exist. I feel like if I just blip out of existence, it would be as if I never was there in the first place.
Now, you may be wondering, what is the point of this? And the answer is, I don’t fuckin know. All I know is that I want a fantasy.
I used to be active in the kink community irl but I haven’t gone to an event in years. I’m submissive. More of a doll type. I like when someone chooses what I wear or how I do my makeup. I talk back a lot. I like arguing and causing conflict but I know when there is a time and place. Kink wise, there isn’t much I’m against, as long as it makes the other person happy.
However, I want more than sexual interaction. I want the fantasy that I’m not alone. That there might be hope. That maybe I won’t die and be eaten by my cats.
I’m a sad person. I’m negative. I talk shit. I have a hard time taking my meds and remembering I’m human. I have impulse issues and hate looking at myself in the mirror.
Some times I think about the letter x from abcs of death.
I don’t know what I want or need. If I want someone irl or if I just want to die alone. I don’t know.
I just don’t know.
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