I'm in Cambridgeshire and can get a hotel or fly to Amsterdam or whatever. Blocked pic is here ( https://imgur.com/a/Ha0MaHu) , unblocked and slow cooker recipes available upon request.

If you're open to more than playing short term the following may be relevant, if not it will likely not be but if you've read this far you're probably just looking for ways to kill time or me anyway.

In brief:

I'm typically in control. No limits except for crimes against animals. I Like doing things to other people (especially annoy them) and have them annoy me (This is a green light for any brat that will come across this post). My box of naughty toys includes items that buzz, zap, blind and may cause bruises. Yet most of the items in that said box consist of water bottles as I want my subs to be hydrated beyond oblivion. Need them wetter than the Pacific Ocean.

I really don't want to focus on terrible things but it's safe to assume that if it's illegal it's not something I’d be happy to explore. If you would like me to tell you all what’s bad about me I will do so at request.

My ideal outcomes:

Would like to find something that could become a long term thing. Like death do us apart or a cute pup kind of thing. Beyond that I know that I don't know.

I've been through a lot to know what kind of partner I am, very clingy, annoying and once comfortable being in your presence filled with energy levels that are equal to a bull terrier whenever he sees a female dog in her mating season. Would love to find someone that can deal with me and my f*ed up humour. Looking for someone that I could both spoil and punish and mostly have a laugh with. Qualities that I am looking for are Kind, Generous, Submissive and I cant stress this enough.. someone extremely tolerant to all my bullshit.

My thoughts on me:

Have my Tesco card for extra points (Need those to get a nice discount on all the wine that I buy) , scuba license (Not really, would love to have one though), musical taste that hasn't changed much since secondary school (Rock n’ Roll baby), a beautiful car that I call “Red Arrow” extremely fast, on the condition that we are going down hill with no brakes intact, and the sweetest dog in the world; he doesn't do dog things like fetch or listen, he just looks at you in a way that makes your heart melt. I really enjoy swimming, or at least not drowning. Watching movies all them serial killer documentaries which always make me question myself if in fact I am one (Still haven’t decided). I love being wrong and then continue this conversation regardless as if I was right to begin with, fake it until you make it kind of thing. I’m an engineer for a living so I have this stupid obsession of planning everything to the smallest detail and being in control at all times of my life (FYI this rarely works out). I believe in the power of positive thinking, not insofar as that it's like a Genie granting wishes, rather that obsessing over downsides/what has already gone wrong isn't productive.

Grew up in Poland came to UK when I was 12, I like being a lazy idiot. Sometimes I lie in bed with my body pillow wishing I had some proper hobbies. I show up to parties for the food and vodka with redbull. I usually bring the redbull. I throw out litter I find on the street, I'm not an environmentalist I just don't like it being there. I don't care if you do and don't need to drink to have fun. While out on weekends my sober self is often mistaken for not being exactly there in spirit, I love to drift off thinking the most random shit. Introvert constantly forcing himself to put himself out there and to do anything remotely active. Maybe that sadism is at the root of BDSM being on my mind. I will want to take you bowling, swimming, Ice Skating, Kart Racing find some random events to attend to. Also love to cook, I got this slow cooker recently and I absolutely I adore this thing, been trying all sorts of different recipes with mixed results…. I don't know if I believe in love languages but I love taking care of other people.

Pros:

o Got no friends, so I can spend all my free time on you.

o Has a good job.

o Absurdly Hot.

o Bald (Way Pas the point of crying why on earth did that happen to me)(Frankly I got no idea why that is a pro, just ignore and keep reading!)

o Has a cute dog.

o Loyal just as my cute dog.

o Computer Geek, I can fix your computer.

Cons:

o Got no local friends (All of them are abroad )

o Lives at Home

o Smokes occasionally

o Has a Funny Slavic Accent

o Polish

o Loves Nerdy Stuff

o Can be socially awkward, unless hes drunk. Then he is just awkward.

o Dark sense of humour

o Love to banter

o Knows no limits

o Probably you can beat me in a fight.

Others reviews of me:

"I have never seen anyone move through water with such grace. It’s almost as impressive as my own dance moves" – Michaels Phelps best swimmer in the world

"How on Earth did he graduate?? " – My Digital Signal Processing Professor.

"I asked Einstein and even he said Jakub is a genius. Now that’s Something" – Michael Jackson

F*ck:

• The Police

o Comin’ straight from the underground

• The traffic at 8.30am

• Me (Please)

Sorry for the long post Id give you a potato IF I HAD ONE. Anyone that got past this mess of an essay well done and WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? Also If youre interested tell me your age, name, location and One cool animal fact. Tata, Cheerio!